There is some mighty shit coming along to hit the fan of sweating UK Prime Minister Brown.

Gordon (I'm grinning while crapping my tailored pants) Brown has just seen 3 members of his cabinet jump shit ship. One politician resigned over a £700 error in their expenses claim - how does that resignation stack up as honourable behaviour in an age when a measly £700 error buys a homeless unemployed university drop-out just 6 weeks' worth of Student Loan repayments?

And a long standing member of cabinet deliberately resigned just 2 days before it would have been safe so to do. By picking her mis-moment, the minister's resignation managed to drum up the howling baying anti Gordon Brown flood of press attention.

And along comes a real shit to tidy up the detritus lapping at the doors of Number 10. When king of Spin, Mandelson, advised the press not to read anything into recent press briefings (a bit like telling the prison population not to read too much into crime stats) I smelt a turd the size of the wallet in Simon Cowell's back pocket.

The long and the short of it, the knives are out for the current PM. Ultimately he will become Post Prime Minister, replaced by some conniving Pre-menstrual biddy as thick as a post.

Ultimately, any worthwhile part of Brown's reign, ie the economic policy he invented to cope with recession and indebt the nation forever, will fall down the proverbial toilet, thus "proving" it was right that he left now. And then when his opportunist successor proves as ineffective as the first round of Blair cabinet ministers, the country will go to the polls and a real shit sweeper will come along, probably wearing a BNP suit tinged with just a hint of ... pick your vice.

The mess in the back pocket of UK politics, mmm, such a liberating smell.

According to their marketing BS, every time I drop in to buy a Stabucks, I make it possible for the Seattle coffee magnates to keep on buying environmentally fair-traded coffee beans from far distant farmers. ergo Starbucks support fair trade.

That may be technically correct, but in reality, it is absolute green gibberish!

Fair trade beans?

The reality is that every time I drive to a Starbucks for a cup of coffee, my US car (subsidised by the screwed American tax payer) consumes gas that costs the tax payer $3 a gallon in hidden defence costs. That isn't fair. And to make matters worse, the vehicle ejects a few puffs of emissions into the atmosphere for good measure.

Whenever I order a coffee, it is served to me by a minimum wage American (maybe?) worker who can't afford to drive to work. And to make matters worse, they pour me 98% adulterated / 2% milk from a US methane-producing cow reared hundreds of trucking miles away. And the real unfair twist in the tale: that cow will be converted into a hormone-filled fast food burger when it reaches the end of its useful milking and farting life.

Real fair trade

The most caring sharing fair trade move for Starbucks would be to employ a milker for a real life cow kept out back of each store. As well as generating useful employment, the 100% milk squeezed fresh from the udders would considerably raise the quality of their coffee drinks. And being locally reared, with methane absorbent diapers strapped to their behinds, Starbucks would reduce the carbon cost of delivering milk to site to zero.

iMoos

Forget iTunes, go for iMoos. At the end of its useful life, Starbucks could process their cows humanely by putting them up for auction /adoption to a green coffee drinker with a good home.

Maybe Starbucks could have a few chickens too, and pay a decent wage to a chef to actually cook an organic egg in a pan, without resorting to an ice-berg-melting million watts a minute microwave. Fair?

Enjoy!

Apparently at midday every day, dodgy British politicians check their emails with their cold hearts in their mouth.

The Daily Telegraph, the newspaper responsible for blowing the lid on the mother of all fuck-up parliaments, have elected to use a lunchtime email to forewarn the next politician who has been elected by the Telegraph editor to make a forthcoming appearance in the press.

So, if you want to add to the misery of dozens of upright officials caught with their filthy hands in the till of public money, check out this site for MP contact details, use the subject "Daily terror graph" in your "Wtf is going on?" email and set the auto send to noon GMT.

All together now with your heart-stopping emails

Dear damn right dishonourable member of a disgraceful British parliament

wtf is going on with your claim for expenses?

The swine flu pandemic story is a sham, in my healthy non-flu-riddled opinion.

1 - Only the poor Mexicans who contracted it have died, otherwise the well nourished healthy smattering of foreign visitors who don't live on 2 meals a week and no health care have returned to comfy suburbia for an extra day off work and loads of press.

2 - The WHO should be issuing kevlar suits to foreign visitors, not masks. Have you seen the stats for fatal shootings in the drug war compared to fatalities from flu? Maybe tourists could humour the authorities and wear a kevlar mask, as protection against a flu contaminated bullet to the face.

3 - Raising the pandemic alert from 3 to 4 is just politics - giving the press a chance to distract the world from the chilling horrors of economic melt downs, tax hikes and the side effects of GM pork. Or am I being too cynical?

4 - And finally, the biggest question still left unanswered - who screwed the flu-suffering pig?