Talking Gordon Brown apart
Ever heard of Gordon Brown? He is the Prime Minister of Britain. Franky Boyle humorously noted that when George Bush first met Brown, he thought he was actually Tony Blair after a mild stroke. This little exposé should put him in a box for good.
From Head of Chump Change, to Chief Chump
Before rising to power by default, Brown was the “prudent” Chancellor of the Exchequer, the chief bean counter of the Treasury whose job it was to oversee the booming - and booming great busting UK we all know and now love to loathe. He should have limited his ambitions for havoc by staying in the Treasury with just an abacus for company. Unfortunately, Brown took the fleeing Tony Blair’s croupier cap, and started dealing with the whole damned country, economy and all.
Brown started as a hopeful Prime Minister, in a position to build great things. Instead, he turned out to be more like a dour terminator, receiver and liquidator rolled into one ill-fitting gambler suit.
One victim of Brown’s leadership failings, (and obvious financial miscalculations back in the Treasury), is the guy who inherited his post as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Darling, is now desperately trying to build a new abacus that is capable of juggling 1.5 trillion red beans. I know, a trillion is a mere bagatelle in US terms, but in the eyes of the newly enslaved inhabitants of Britain, it may as well be a gazillion for all the chance we have off paying it off.
Devil in the detail
Obviously it isn’t fair to blame one man for a nation’s issues, is it George! but Gordon Brown appears to merit a good going over for his part in this UK debacle. Even as a master of political manouvering, a man who pays meticulous attention to detail so as not to lay himself open for unwarranted criticism from opponents - he has serious failings!
Email, mail, its all the same thing.
He gained a few political points from his noble effort to protect kids from offensive material on the net - but he has lost all credibility as an embracer of technology for grown-ups.
I wanted to email Gordon Brown to congratulate him on the initiative whereby all schoolkids will have e-safety lessons in school from 2011. Good effort, Gordy. the email draft read. It is still in draft form, unsendable.
Despite much unprotected surfing of many dodgy sites with no obvious authority or integrity, I had to conclude that the progressive Premier has made it impossible for his minion citizens to contact him by email. Yep, his account has been shut down till they can evaluate the best way to run it. I am no consultant, but for free, I suggest Mac MAil. Sounds Scottish like you, Mr Brown, and unlike you, it works consistently well for the end user.
So with his aversion to emailed congratulations or tough questions, clearly Gordon Brown is subliminally supporting the Royal Snail Mail? If we have something to say, post him a letter? As some background to that suggestion - he may want us to post a critical letter (is there any other sort?), because the chances are - it may not get through.
Let me explain. The Post Office is a stricken service whose workers are living under the cloud of privatisation. Privatisation would let the government off the hook for billions of pounds-worth of pensions. Brown knows it, posties know it. I am sure Brown fully realises that all posties are less than loyal to him. Indeed, they are carefully sorting his mail on a roulette format - on each spin of the wheel, just one gets thrown on the delivery pile, the rest are binned. Aaah, the workings of modern democracy.
Roulette financial planning
Let’s discuss another roulette wheel - Brown and the UK financial system. In response to an indignant public response to the banks’ shameful behaviour before during and post credit crunch, he coincidentally introduces a well thought out Whack-a-Wanker Banker Super Tax.
But far from being leakproof legislation guaranteeing us plebs $500m in windfall taxes, bankers in the City simply shrugged at this first serious throw of the ball. You tax us, we exit Casino UK to work as croupiers new, overseas! So what we have witnessed is almost Tarantino-esque: a one-sided shoot out to the death between one bunch of thieves loaded with Kalashnikovs, and knee-jerking water-pistol wielding robbers in a Government that is obviously risking all for votes ahead of an election. They all deserve each other, bless, and we deserve the head of the politician who may have just turned up to a gunfight and kick started the unravelling of an industry generating 25% of our fast depreciating income.
Whack-a-Wanker Banker Super Tax exposed
The windfall banker tax must be a political thing, passing the buck as far down the line as possible. Isn’t this Labour gov the very same government that originally gave the bankers’ paymasters the go-ahead to function as speculatively as they obviously did?
Wasn’t Brown the architect of the tripartite financial system that Tony Blair gave the Wheel of Fortune nod to?
Why would Brown now blame horrible bankers for doing what he himself had played a huge part in getting green-lighted?
Why would Brown not illuminate us dumb public about the reality that, as part of their remuneration package, many of the biggest bank earners actually get moved to a different country annually, so they can enjoy the added bonus of not even paying tax on income earned in the UK.
Why doesn’t Brown remind us that most of these banker guys are perfect company men, let off the leash by masters expecting total commitment to the cause. In the US and UK, the cause was mental, so the bankers acted mental. In Switzerland, the cause was conservative, and you can bet your last piece of neutral blood money, that bankers in Switzerland were ferocious within conservative boundaries, else they’d be out on their ear quicker than Gordon Brown could stammer the words, Sorry for screwing you, Britain.
Details, Mr Brown, he isn’t even very good at those, it should be Britons.
How is it in America, folks, with your Mr Brown?
From Head of Chump Change, to Chief Chump
Before rising to power by default, Brown was the “prudent” Chancellor of the Exchequer, the chief bean counter of the Treasury whose job it was to oversee the booming - and booming great busting UK we all know and now love to loathe. He should have limited his ambitions for havoc by staying in the Treasury with just an abacus for company. Unfortunately, Brown took the fleeing Tony Blair’s croupier cap, and started dealing with the whole damned country, economy and all.
Brown started as a hopeful Prime Minister, in a position to build great things. Instead, he turned out to be more like a dour terminator, receiver and liquidator rolled into one ill-fitting gambler suit.
One victim of Brown’s leadership failings, (and obvious financial miscalculations back in the Treasury), is the guy who inherited his post as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Darling, is now desperately trying to build a new abacus that is capable of juggling 1.5 trillion red beans. I know, a trillion is a mere bagatelle in US terms, but in the eyes of the newly enslaved inhabitants of Britain, it may as well be a gazillion for all the chance we have off paying it off.
Devil in the detail
Obviously it isn’t fair to blame one man for a nation’s issues, is it George! but Gordon Brown appears to merit a good going over for his part in this UK debacle. Even as a master of political manouvering, a man who pays meticulous attention to detail so as not to lay himself open for unwarranted criticism from opponents - he has serious failings!
Email, mail, its all the same thing.
The Prime Minister has officially launched the UK’s first internet safety strategy, Click Clever Click Safe,
He gained a few political points from his noble effort to protect kids from offensive material on the net - but he has lost all credibility as an embracer of technology for grown-ups.
I wanted to email Gordon Brown to congratulate him on the initiative whereby all schoolkids will have e-safety lessons in school from 2011. Good effort, Gordy. the email draft read. It is still in draft form, unsendable.
Despite much unprotected surfing of many dodgy sites with no obvious authority or integrity, I had to conclude that the progressive Premier has made it impossible for his minion citizens to contact him by email. Yep, his account has been shut down till they can evaluate the best way to run it. I am no consultant, but for free, I suggest Mac MAil. Sounds Scottish like you, Mr Brown, and unlike you, it works consistently well for the end user.
So with his aversion to emailed congratulations or tough questions, clearly Gordon Brown is subliminally supporting the Royal Snail Mail? If we have something to say, post him a letter? As some background to that suggestion - he may want us to post a critical letter (is there any other sort?), because the chances are - it may not get through.
Let me explain. The Post Office is a stricken service whose workers are living under the cloud of privatisation. Privatisation would let the government off the hook for billions of pounds-worth of pensions. Brown knows it, posties know it. I am sure Brown fully realises that all posties are less than loyal to him. Indeed, they are carefully sorting his mail on a roulette format - on each spin of the wheel, just one gets thrown on the delivery pile, the rest are binned. Aaah, the workings of modern democracy.
Roulette financial planning
Let’s discuss another roulette wheel - Brown and the UK financial system. In response to an indignant public response to the banks’ shameful behaviour before during and post credit crunch, he coincidentally introduces a well thought out Whack-a-Wanker Banker Super Tax.
But far from being leakproof legislation guaranteeing us plebs $500m in windfall taxes, bankers in the City simply shrugged at this first serious throw of the ball. You tax us, we exit Casino UK to work as croupiers new, overseas! So what we have witnessed is almost Tarantino-esque: a one-sided shoot out to the death between one bunch of thieves loaded with Kalashnikovs, and knee-jerking water-pistol wielding robbers in a Government that is obviously risking all for votes ahead of an election. They all deserve each other, bless, and we deserve the head of the politician who may have just turned up to a gunfight and kick started the unravelling of an industry generating 25% of our fast depreciating income.
Whack-a-Wanker Banker Super Tax exposed
The windfall banker tax must be a political thing, passing the buck as far down the line as possible. Isn’t this Labour gov the very same government that originally gave the bankers’ paymasters the go-ahead to function as speculatively as they obviously did?
Wasn’t Brown the architect of the tripartite financial system that Tony Blair gave the Wheel of Fortune nod to?
Why would Brown now blame horrible bankers for doing what he himself had played a huge part in getting green-lighted?
Why would Brown not illuminate us dumb public about the reality that, as part of their remuneration package, many of the biggest bank earners actually get moved to a different country annually, so they can enjoy the added bonus of not even paying tax on income earned in the UK.
Why doesn’t Brown remind us that most of these banker guys are perfect company men, let off the leash by masters expecting total commitment to the cause. In the US and UK, the cause was mental, so the bankers acted mental. In Switzerland, the cause was conservative, and you can bet your last piece of neutral blood money, that bankers in Switzerland were ferocious within conservative boundaries, else they’d be out on their ear quicker than Gordon Brown could stammer the words, Sorry for screwing you, Britain.
Details, Mr Brown, he isn’t even very good at those, it should be Britons.
How is it in America, folks, with your Mr Brown?
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True funny stories
Sometimes truth is funnier than anything you can dream up.
Standing at the check-out at the mini mart, I am hovering my credit card over the card swipe machine trying to work out which of the two slots I am supposed to use. The check-out woman looks up, sees my uncertainty, and in a loud voice informs me,
“In the bottom, please.”
Any number of responses came to mind, all obvious, all totally inappropriate for a public place...
Standing at the check-out at the mini mart, I am hovering my credit card over the card swipe machine trying to work out which of the two slots I am supposed to use. The check-out woman looks up, sees my uncertainty, and in a loud voice informs me,
“In the bottom, please.”
Any number of responses came to mind, all obvious, all totally inappropriate for a public place...
*********************
It was a strange day, because later on, after work, I am sat in my car at lights, minding my own business. I am at the head of the queue, I know the lights will be on red for a good time yet. 2 seconds later, I hear a hooter and look in my rear view mirror, thinking that the person behind is trying to force me to pull off into the path of crossing traffic. But there is no evidence of road rage brewing in the eyes of the 70 year-old man sat expressionless at the wheel. The light in front of me is still on red. I settle back to my own thoughts, eyes fixed on the traffic signals.
Out the corner of my eye, I see a middle aged woman in a car next to me, waving frantically for me to wind down my side window. I realise she was probably the one who had hooted me. I oblige, and she politely shouts, “How’s the revolution going?”
I have no clue what she is talking about. (I am expecting to be asked for directions to some address in an obscure cul-de-sac on the other side of a town I don’t know.) “Revolution?”
“Yes, with your green cap, wrap round sunglasses, shaggy beard and green fleece, you look like Che Guevara sat there.”
Blimey, that was a first. We both laughed, the lights changed to green and off we went. I had a belly laugh going for a good 10 minutes. Needless to say, I attacked my face with clippers as soon as I got home, and despite the claims about climate change, there is no need for sunglasses in wintery gray England, so, for the time-being, the revolution is truly over.
*******************
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Trawling through your inbox deleting 300 pieces of the same old Nigerian, Viagran and Pornian spam, email humor isn't necessarily the phrase that springs to mind. On the other hand, if you come across email from Don't Even Reply, and you recently placed a classified ad somewhere, you could be setting yourself up to generate plenty of humor for thousands of readers.
A gentleman who placed a classified ad looking for a good home for his old Clydesdale horse, was horrified to receive an offer from Dontevenreply, masquerading as the owner of a glue factory. "Is it still available?" he innocently asked. HELL NO was the short reply.
The horse owner got off lightly, but others can't help themselves and get drawn into long-winded to-and fro-ing conversations.
Being in the construction trade myself, my favorite involved a handyman who placed an ad, warning the public of a customer who didn't pay his bill. Boy, he rose to the bait and ended up tied in knots.
Another involved a woman looking for a mechanic to do work for her on the cheap. The wind-up merchant convinced her that she had a leak from a hydraulic headlight valve, and he would have to remove the engine to reach it. Apparently she drove to another garage for a second opinion, and made the mechanics roar with laughter when she asked how much to repair this fictitious component.
There are loads of these scenarios, mostly believable, mostly ending in Fuck you asshole. Result!
Comments run fast and furious and make you realise that this guy's posts hit readers' nerves hard, while the Pisstakers' posts only brush past almost unnoticed. Please see my latest classified...
A gentleman who placed a classified ad looking for a good home for his old Clydesdale horse, was horrified to receive an offer from Dontevenreply, masquerading as the owner of a glue factory. "Is it still available?" he innocently asked. HELL NO was the short reply.
The horse owner got off lightly, but others can't help themselves and get drawn into long-winded to-and fro-ing conversations.
Being in the construction trade myself, my favorite involved a handyman who placed an ad, warning the public of a customer who didn't pay his bill. Boy, he rose to the bait and ended up tied in knots.
Another involved a woman looking for a mechanic to do work for her on the cheap. The wind-up merchant convinced her that she had a leak from a hydraulic headlight valve, and he would have to remove the engine to reach it. Apparently she drove to another garage for a second opinion, and made the mechanics roar with laughter when she asked how much to repair this fictitious component.
There are loads of these scenarios, mostly believable, mostly ending in Fuck you asshole. Result!
Comments run fast and furious and make you realise that this guy's posts hit readers' nerves hard, while the Pisstakers' posts only brush past almost unnoticed. Please see my latest classified...
HUMOR SITE ATTRACTING OVER 8000 VISITORS A MONTH SEEKS WRITERS WITH THE ABILITY TO MAKE THESE READERS LAUGH.
