So, one minute you are a Japanese man in your little wooden boat, doing your bit for ocean conservation. The next minute you are over turned by an out-of-control pixellated whale.



Maybe if your compatriots didn't want to hunt and kill every whale in the ocean, this one would have treated you better?

Here are some boat buying tips based on my own experience. Ouch!

We were looking for a new hobby and Mrs Ed had me looking through some adverts for second-hand classic wooden boats. The more pictures I looked at and the more boat blurb I read, the more my eyes were rolling like a boat in a perfect storm. Like a lost mariner, I needed some points of reference.

What are your requirements for a wooden boat?

Looks? Who wants to live on an ugly boat? Not us. So if I see a photo of a sharp wooden sail boat scooting across the bay, and I think, That's cool - then my interest is piqued..

Price? If it is in my price range, and not an unreachable dream, even with a deck of credit cards maxed out to the end of time, it has my attention.

Performance? If I want to travel across the ocean quickly, I should buy a plane. So as long as it can get out of its own way, I will check to see that at least 2 other sailors in the world have said that the boat is a functional vessel that floats in all weathers and seas.

Sound construction? If there is a survey, I'd like to make sure there is no mention of termites, or woodworm, or (how long have you got?) If there is no survey, i'd get one.

Comfortable quarters? As far as the living accomodation below decks, all I want to know is that it has a decent double bed plus a flat screen TV and seats that you can sit in without feeling like you are in a church pew.

Beyond these criteria, my initial curiosity goes no further and that is enough info for me to make an offer. I am not a typical wooden boat owner!!!

Be prepared for hard negotiating

When you negotiate with woodies, you have to change your tactics from real world to sea world. True woody owners view their ship as a precious extension of their immediate family. They talk about a 50 year-old tub like it was a spoilt kid, and they go all mushy and sentimental about how good "She" has been to them, how easy "She " is and "She" has never let them down, (I guess that parallel with a child was a bit off base, but you know what I mean!)

The truly deluded insist that you have to go a long way to find such pretty curtains... when all you see is a set of horrible blue rags that should be used for polishing shoes, not keeping out the light. So be ready for fun and mind games.

Down to business

In this day and age of a worsening economy, let's face it, there is a glut of boats on the market. It's a buyer's market, so you should get a good deal by default, right? Err, no! Reading some of the personal notes alongside tech specs, you may not even deserve the boat.

Of course I am the perfect new owner! Many romantic boat owners insist on a Sale to the right person. That means you have to say you appreciate inflated asking prices; you love the idea that a wooden boat is a 24/7 maintenance hog and of course you are a hater of all things fiberglass. Don't you.

To circumvent the deluded sellers' strange anti-competitve tactic, you need to adopt a glazed look and a wishy washy voice and eulogize about the beauty of the boat's lines. Admit to a love of scraping varnish, and if it looks like the deal is slipping away from you, go on and on and on asking all sorts of intelligent questions about the history of the boat you are so interested in.

Seal the boat deal

When you sense that the seller feels comfortable that you are the right person - start talking money. Mention that it is a bit over-priced because, quite frankly, the boat looks like a maintenance hog. They will be horrified at such a 180. But, but you said...

Being a sharp negotiator, you say that, actually, on closer inspection, it looks incredibly well maintained in its current condition, but you don't have an absolute fortune to make it absolutely pristine. Then huddle with your partner and whisper sweet nothings.

When you sense the seller still wants to talk money, you look up like you are going to cave in, but instead of raising your offer, you plead poverty and make a low ball offer. But not so low that the offer isn't tantalizing. Smiling gormlessly at them like the Steve Buscemi character in Fargo, keep cool as they weigh up their first offer in 9 and a half months.

When they sigh and say no, tell them that you are almost the right person to buy the boat. You are motivated, and a woody at heart, but you have to be realistic. (And this is the kicker.) We all know this boat is going to cost us way more than it is worth, but we'll go for it. And if I don't buy it, you will have to keep spending on slip fees and maintenance for a boat you don't want.

If obstinacy prevails hit them with your last offer
Of course, you could always try a boat donation - but everyone loses that way.

Sold! The best day of your life will be buying the boat, the second best day will be when you are selling it.

btw Have you got any cool boat names to add to the list?