Jan 2009
Losing a hurricane in the Bermuda triangle
22/01/09 11:19 Filed in: Cruising
If you ever go cruising in the Bermuda Triangle in hurricane season, and you are worried about getting lost at sea, relax when you hear reports about a Hurricane Noel bearing down on you. That's right. Just pop open another bottle of bubbly and party on. You will be perfectly safe.
The meteorologists aren't sure how it happens, but Noel is a typical example of a Bermuda triangle hurricane that went missing
One minute it will be ready to wreak carnage on all boats and island life for hundreds of miles around, and then pooooffffff, nada. Noel will disappear before it even gets close to frothing up the water across your cruise liner's bow. Not even a whimpering blip on a radar. How cool is that.
Have you ever experienced weird weather at sea or on land? Care to share?
The meteorologists aren't sure how it happens, but Noel is a typical example of a Bermuda triangle hurricane that went missing
One minute it will be ready to wreak carnage on all boats and island life for hundreds of miles around, and then pooooffffff, nada. Noel will disappear before it even gets close to frothing up the water across your cruise liner's bow. Not even a whimpering blip on a radar. How cool is that.
Have you ever experienced weird weather at sea or on land? Care to share?
Enjoy a Bermuda Triangle cruise
08/01/09 22:16 Filed in: Cruising
Apparently we know more about space than we do about the oceans! And when you next decide to go on a cruise around Bermuda, you should be afraid, be very afraid.
Cruise boats are safe, right?
Are you sure that a luxury cruise is a care-free experience? When you sail out to sea in a 5-storey boat, are you confident it will float? It should do, according to what we know of buoyancy and water displacement. And there is certainly plenty of proof that even small fishing boats can survive in the wildest of seas. But if we know so much about boat building, how come so many humungous sea-going vessels have sunk in the Bermuda Triangle without explanation? Enjoy!
It's the Bermuda Triangle monster, stupid
Relax, I am messing with you. A boat can't sink for no reason, and forewarned is fore-armed. If you know the dangers, you can take precautions.
I was confident that the answer to the long list of mysterious disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle lay in the astounding Jacques Cousteau Museum in Monte Carlo. They are supposed to have a copy of every single fish and ocean creature ever documented by science - at least up until the time I was there in 1980-something.
Sad to say, there were no examples of the Monster from the Bermuda Triangle! Sorry. I guess you won't know what hit you or sucked you down to the depths of the ocean.
If you do survive a cruise, let us know the name of your ship and I will add it to our list of cool boat names.
BTW if you are reading this in a Feed Reader, it is not necessarily the latest posting, so check out The Pisstakers.
Are you itching to give your readers a good deal in these hard times? Try Chitika it is doing me proud.
This page is a springboard to hundreds of posts around the site. Just follow your noses to funny news, celebrity gossip, funny quotes and humorous tech. And if you like what you read, don't forget to subscribe (top right sidebar).
Cheers, Ed
Deadliest Catch v Tuna Wranglers
04/01/09 01:26 Filed in: Fishing
In a bid to outdo the ever popular World's Dealiest Catch, Discovery producers have tried to convince the public that Australia's sun-bleached laid back Tuna catchers are a force to be reckoned with on the high seas. Perlease!!
While superstars of the high seas, Sig and his crew, manhandle huge crab pots and 180 lb coils of rope, the Aussie Tuna wranglers are delicately tossing their sardines, one by one, back into the sea.
While the US captain of the lonely trawler in the Bering Sea worries that his crab boat will be broken in half by rogue waves, the Tuna Wranglers' captain is worried he won't be able to get back to port before the sea changes from a mill-pond into a 2 foot choppy sea.
While Sig worries that the weight of his ice-encrusted crab catch may roll the top-heavy boat into the deadly waters, the Aussie dude is worrying if he has enough sun block for the 3 days' sunbathing while his support ship refuels.
Whereas Sig and co look at splitting a couple of hundred thousand dollars with the crew, the Aussie guy is creaming into his wallet, as he works out that the 240 tons of tuna floating in the net behind his boat will net a cool $10m.
While Sig has to work out the location of the crabs himself, Aussie guy is on the radio telling his personal plane-flying tuna spotter to send him to a good shoal.
As Deadliest Catch guys talk about the pain and suffering of days of work without rest, the Australians bitch and moan about the boredom of sitting on their butts for 9 days while the tuna decide what they are going to do.
The only things they have in common are, they are all in a boat, all on the water, all after fish and all enjoy feeding false info to their competitors. Oh, and they all like a beer and all return to port smelling like a whore's drawers. Apart from that, I don't think there is any comparison between the two crews, and I think I would rather watch Australian Knitting than these softy Australian fishermen being talked up into something they are not.
Of course, who wants to be a tuna diver sucked to the bottom of a 300 foot net full of tuna, not me. Then again, who wants to jet about in speed boats and swim with harmless sharks? Me.
Bottom line, tuna fishing is almost fun, apart from the boredom. It makes for good TV, for 2 minutes. On the other hand, when you realise the Deadliest Catch guys have about 60 seconds life expectancy when they take a swim, for me, the crab fishing job is the bottom of my to-do list, but top of my to-watch list. What do you think?
.....
Are you itching to give your readers a good deal in these hard times? Try Chitika it is doing me proud.
This page is a springboard to hundreds of posts around the site. Just follow your noses to funny news, celebrity gossip, funny quotes and humorous tech. And if you like what you read, don't forget to subscribe (top right sidebar).
Cheers, Ed
While superstars of the high seas, Sig and his crew, manhandle huge crab pots and 180 lb coils of rope, the Aussie Tuna wranglers are delicately tossing their sardines, one by one, back into the sea.
While the US captain of the lonely trawler in the Bering Sea worries that his crab boat will be broken in half by rogue waves, the Tuna Wranglers' captain is worried he won't be able to get back to port before the sea changes from a mill-pond into a 2 foot choppy sea.
While Sig worries that the weight of his ice-encrusted crab catch may roll the top-heavy boat into the deadly waters, the Aussie dude is worrying if he has enough sun block for the 3 days' sunbathing while his support ship refuels.
Whereas Sig and co look at splitting a couple of hundred thousand dollars with the crew, the Aussie guy is creaming into his wallet, as he works out that the 240 tons of tuna floating in the net behind his boat will net a cool $10m.
While Sig has to work out the location of the crabs himself, Aussie guy is on the radio telling his personal plane-flying tuna spotter to send him to a good shoal.
As Deadliest Catch guys talk about the pain and suffering of days of work without rest, the Australians bitch and moan about the boredom of sitting on their butts for 9 days while the tuna decide what they are going to do.
The only things they have in common are, they are all in a boat, all on the water, all after fish and all enjoy feeding false info to their competitors. Oh, and they all like a beer and all return to port smelling like a whore's drawers. Apart from that, I don't think there is any comparison between the two crews, and I think I would rather watch Australian Knitting than these softy Australian fishermen being talked up into something they are not.
Of course, who wants to be a tuna diver sucked to the bottom of a 300 foot net full of tuna, not me. Then again, who wants to jet about in speed boats and swim with harmless sharks? Me.
Bottom line, tuna fishing is almost fun, apart from the boredom. It makes for good TV, for 2 minutes. On the other hand, when you realise the Deadliest Catch guys have about 60 seconds life expectancy when they take a swim, for me, the crab fishing job is the bottom of my to-do list, but top of my to-watch list. What do you think?
BTW if you are reading this in a Feed Reader, it is not necessarily the latest posting, so check out The Pisstakers.
Are you itching to give your readers a good deal in these hard times? Try Chitika it is doing me proud.
This page is a springboard to hundreds of posts around the site. Just follow your noses to funny news, celebrity gossip, funny quotes and humorous tech. And if you like what you read, don't forget to subscribe (top right sidebar).
Cheers, Ed
Boat buying tips
04/01/09 00:34 Filed in: Wooden Boat
Here are some boat buying tips based on my own experience. Ouch!
We were looking for a new hobby and Mrs Ed had me looking through some adverts for second-hand classic wooden boats. The more pictures I looked at and the more boat blurb I read, the more my eyes were rolling like a boat in a perfect storm. Like a lost mariner, I needed some points of reference.
Price? If it is in my price range, and not an unreachable dream, even with a deck of credit cards maxed out to the end of time, it has my attention.
Performance? If I want to travel across the ocean quickly, I should buy a plane. So as long as it can get out of its own way, I will check to see that at least 2 other sailors in the world have said that the boat is a functional vessel that floats in all weathers and seas.
Sound construction? If there is a survey, I'd like to make sure there is no mention of termites, or woodworm, or (how long have you got?) If there is no survey, i'd get one.
Comfortable quarters? As far as the living accomodation below decks, all I want to know is that it has a decent double bed plus a flat screen TV and seats that you can sit in without feeling like you are in a church pew.
Beyond these criteria, my initial curiosity goes no further and that is enough info for me to make an offer. I am not a typical wooden boat owner!!!
When you negotiate with woodies, you have to change your tactics from real world to sea world. True woody owners view their ship as a precious extension of their immediate family. They talk about a 50 year-old tub like it was a spoilt kid, and they go all mushy and sentimental about how good "She" has been to them, how easy "She " is and "She" has never let them down, (I guess that parallel with a child was a bit off base, but you know what I mean!)
The truly deluded insist that you have to go a long way to find such pretty curtains... when all you see is a set of horrible blue rags that should be used for polishing shoes, not keeping out the light. So be ready for fun and mind games.
In this day and age of a worsening economy, let's face it, there is a glut of boats on the market. It's a buyer's market, so you should get a good deal by default, right? Err, no! Reading some of the personal notes alongside tech specs, you may not even deserve the boat.
Of course I am the perfect new owner! Many romantic boat owners insist on a Sale to the right person. That means you have to say you appreciate inflated asking prices; you love the idea that a wooden boat is a 24/7 maintenance hog and of course you are a hater of all things fiberglass. Don't you.
To circumvent the deluded sellers' strange anti-competitve tactic, you need to adopt a glazed look and a wishy washy voice and eulogize about the beauty of the boat's lines. Admit to a love of scraping varnish, and if it looks like the deal is slipping away from you, go on and on and on asking all sorts of intelligent questions about the history of the boat you are so interested in.
When you sense that the seller feels comfortable that you are the right person - start talking money. Mention that it is a bit over-priced because, quite frankly, the boat looks like a maintenance hog. They will be horrified at such a 180. But, but you said...
Being a sharp negotiator, you say that, actually, on closer inspection, it looks incredibly well maintained in its current condition, but you don't have an absolute fortune to make it absolutely pristine. Then huddle with your partner and whisper sweet nothings.
When you sense the seller still wants to talk money, you look up like you are going to cave in, but instead of raising your offer, you plead poverty and make a low ball offer. But not so low that the offer isn't tantalizing. Smiling gormlessly at them like the Steve Buscemi character in Fargo, keep cool as they weigh up their first offer in 9 and a half months.
When they sigh and say no, tell them that you are almost the right person to buy the boat. You are motivated, and a woody at heart, but you have to be realistic. (And this is the kicker.) We all know this boat is going to cost us way more than it is worth, but we'll go for it. And if I don't buy it, you will have to keep spending on slip fees and maintenance for a boat you don't want.
If obstinacy prevails hit them with your last offer
Of course, you could always try a boat donation - but everyone loses that way.
Sold! The best day of your life will be buying the boat, the second best day will be when you are selling it.
btw Have you got any cool boat names to add to the list?
.....
Are you itching to give your readers a good deal in these hard times? Try Chitika it is doing me proud.
This page is a springboard to hundreds of posts around the site. Just follow your noses to funny news, celebrity gossip, funny quotes and humorous tech. And if you like what you read, don't forget to subscribe (top right sidebar).
Cheers, Ed
We were looking for a new hobby and Mrs Ed had me looking through some adverts for second-hand classic wooden boats. The more pictures I looked at and the more boat blurb I read, the more my eyes were rolling like a boat in a perfect storm. Like a lost mariner, I needed some points of reference.
What are your requirements for a wooden boat?
Looks? Who wants to live on an ugly boat? Not us. So if I see a photo of a sharp wooden sail boat scooting across the bay, and I think, That's cool - then my interest is piqued..Price? If it is in my price range, and not an unreachable dream, even with a deck of credit cards maxed out to the end of time, it has my attention.
Performance? If I want to travel across the ocean quickly, I should buy a plane. So as long as it can get out of its own way, I will check to see that at least 2 other sailors in the world have said that the boat is a functional vessel that floats in all weathers and seas.
Sound construction? If there is a survey, I'd like to make sure there is no mention of termites, or woodworm, or (how long have you got?) If there is no survey, i'd get one.
Comfortable quarters? As far as the living accomodation below decks, all I want to know is that it has a decent double bed plus a flat screen TV and seats that you can sit in without feeling like you are in a church pew.
Beyond these criteria, my initial curiosity goes no further and that is enough info for me to make an offer. I am not a typical wooden boat owner!!!
Be prepared for hard negotiating
When you negotiate with woodies, you have to change your tactics from real world to sea world. True woody owners view their ship as a precious extension of their immediate family. They talk about a 50 year-old tub like it was a spoilt kid, and they go all mushy and sentimental about how good "She" has been to them, how easy "She " is and "She" has never let them down, (I guess that parallel with a child was a bit off base, but you know what I mean!)
The truly deluded insist that you have to go a long way to find such pretty curtains... when all you see is a set of horrible blue rags that should be used for polishing shoes, not keeping out the light. So be ready for fun and mind games.
Down to business
In this day and age of a worsening economy, let's face it, there is a glut of boats on the market. It's a buyer's market, so you should get a good deal by default, right? Err, no! Reading some of the personal notes alongside tech specs, you may not even deserve the boat.
Of course I am the perfect new owner! Many romantic boat owners insist on a Sale to the right person. That means you have to say you appreciate inflated asking prices; you love the idea that a wooden boat is a 24/7 maintenance hog and of course you are a hater of all things fiberglass. Don't you.
To circumvent the deluded sellers' strange anti-competitve tactic, you need to adopt a glazed look and a wishy washy voice and eulogize about the beauty of the boat's lines. Admit to a love of scraping varnish, and if it looks like the deal is slipping away from you, go on and on and on asking all sorts of intelligent questions about the history of the boat you are so interested in.
Seal the boat deal
When you sense that the seller feels comfortable that you are the right person - start talking money. Mention that it is a bit over-priced because, quite frankly, the boat looks like a maintenance hog. They will be horrified at such a 180. But, but you said...
Being a sharp negotiator, you say that, actually, on closer inspection, it looks incredibly well maintained in its current condition, but you don't have an absolute fortune to make it absolutely pristine. Then huddle with your partner and whisper sweet nothings.
When you sense the seller still wants to talk money, you look up like you are going to cave in, but instead of raising your offer, you plead poverty and make a low ball offer. But not so low that the offer isn't tantalizing. Smiling gormlessly at them like the Steve Buscemi character in Fargo, keep cool as they weigh up their first offer in 9 and a half months.
When they sigh and say no, tell them that you are almost the right person to buy the boat. You are motivated, and a woody at heart, but you have to be realistic. (And this is the kicker.) We all know this boat is going to cost us way more than it is worth, but we'll go for it. And if I don't buy it, you will have to keep spending on slip fees and maintenance for a boat you don't want.
If obstinacy prevails hit them with your last offer
Of course, you could always try a boat donation - but everyone loses that way.
Sold! The best day of your life will be buying the boat, the second best day will be when you are selling it.
btw Have you got any cool boat names to add to the list?
BTW if you are reading this in a Feed Reader, it is not necessarily the latest posting, so check out The Pisstakers.
Are you itching to give your readers a good deal in these hard times? Try Chitika it is doing me proud.
This page is a springboard to hundreds of posts around the site. Just follow your noses to funny news, celebrity gossip, funny quotes and humorous tech. And if you like what you read, don't forget to subscribe (top right sidebar).
Cheers, Ed
Are you itching to give your readers a good deal in these hard times? Try Chitika it is doing me proud.
This page is a springboard to hundreds of posts around the site. Just follow your noses to funny news, celebrity gossip, funny quotes and humorous tech. And if you like what you read, don't forget to subscribe (top right sidebar).
Cheers, Ed