You know the guy that threw a shoe at Bush in Iraq? I hear the Yankees just drafted him for $10 million

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides? An interpreter. (Blondes should speak to Ismokeu about that one)

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. (George burns)

No wonder Americans are fat, they order food by the bucket. A bucket is an implement of the farm yard! (Billy Connolly)

I am not too keen on my nose, I don't like my knees, I hate my ankles, I am unsure about my behind, I don't like my legs at all. I am not sure about my chin, my forehead is a bit dodgy. But, overall, I can live with it. (Helen Mirren)

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to shop. — Bo Derek

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. (Funny computer quotes)

When your first daughter is born, go and talk to a tree for 15 minutes. Repeat this tree-talking ritual every night for 13 years, by which time you will be ready. (Family life)

My mother made me a homosexual.
And if you give her some yarn, she'll make you one too. ~quentin crisp

How on earth did the US Secret Service allow a civilian to let off two rounds of shoes without response? (Ed musing about shoes)

Parents need to collect digital pictures, diary entries, memorable quotes said by Baby... (The Keepaboo CEO was kidding, right!)

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

The republicans stay the course.
What, a collision course?

The judge asked, 'What do you plead?' I said, 'Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane? (Stephen Wright quote)

There's more quotes where this came from...