Funny quotes of the day HQ
For the sake of the English language, could Starbucks please call a Small a Small, not a Tall. Or if they have to use rhymey terms, be consistent and re-name a grande a Tedium.
You know the guy that threw a shoe at Bush in Iraq? I hear the Yankees just drafted him for $10 million
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides? An interpreter. (Blondes should speak to Ismokeu about that one)
I am not too keen on my nose, I don't like my knees, I hate my ankles, I am unsure about my behind, I don't like my legs at all. I am not sure about my chin, my forehead is a bit dodgy. But, overall, I can live with it. (Helen Mirren)
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. (George burns)
No wonder Americans are fat, they order food by the bucket. A bucket is an implement of the farm yard! (Billy Connolly)
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to shop. — Bo Derek
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. (Funny computer quotes)
When your first daughter is born, go and talk to a tree for 15 minutes. Repeat this tree-talking ritual every night for 13 years, by which time you will be ready. (Family life)
What I did all night takes me all night - a quote from my father, not me, I hasten to add
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." DAVE BASSETT, talking soccer on Sky Sports
If I could have avoided the knockdowns, I think I could have won the fight. Felix Trinidad
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
— George Carlin
These Funny Quotes of the Day have been viewed over13000 17 21000 times, and regularly appear on the first page of Google search results.
If you want to be part of the success, tip The Pisstakers $15 and appear in one of our top 5 topspots.
My mother made me a homosexual.
And if you give her some yarn, she'll make you one too. ~quentin crisp
How on earth did the US Secret Service allow a civilian to let off two rounds of shoes without response? (Ed musing about shoes)
Parents need to collect digital pictures, diary entries, memorable quotes said by Baby... (The Keepaboo CEO was kidding, right!)
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
The republicans stay the course.
What, a collision course?
The judge asked, 'What do you plead?' I said, 'Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane? (Stephen Wright quote)
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow. (Funny joke site)
If pussy were stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’re flooding the market with it. It’s too easy to get. - Dave Chappelle
The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Stephen King. Found here
If girls are supposed to smell of sugar and spice and all things nice, why does mine smell of tuna? (The Sisters of Bad Taste tested and approved this)
A fool and his money are often out partying.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
Tell me the name of your plastic surgeon, I'll get your money back. Oilzine
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. (From Quote Mountain)
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
Tell me the name of your plastic surgeon, I'll get your money back. Oilzine
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. (From Quote Mountain)
Are you familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog
These Funny Quotes of the Day have been viewed over 21000 times, and regularly appear on the first page of Google search results.
If you want to be part of the success, tip The Pisstakers $15 and appear in one of our top 5 topspots.
And now, back to the show.
My father's last words. "oh, a truck." (Emo Phillips)
Scrape my bollocks from my thighs with a spatula (One sweaty hiker to another)
Chocolate plus booze plus Barry White equals panty dropper. (The sibling of I Eat Snowman Poop)
Your Village Called, they Want Their Idiot Back
Women are only fit for carrying out menial tasks such as washing and cooking, as well as the odd vigourous bout of intercourse. (Lord Likely)
91.432% of statistics are made up on the spot (Plooptionary)
Entertain your own readers - download and install this funny quotes widget on your site
The masochist said hit me, the sadist said no.
I Eat Snowman Poop - As Part of a Calorie Controlled Diet
Considering the educational prowess of the average builder, how hard can it be to build a house? (Ed, a former builder)
Error 666, hard drive possessed.
Stamped on a customer services agent wrist tag: "If you find me in a car accident, please phone my boss to say I will be late for work: the number is 312-234-5674; ext 2; press 4; press 2; say Yes, say No, press 1; wait 11 minutes. Thank you, I value your assistance.
Sort of like a hug, but without any touching, and it costs $19 (John Gruber selling subscriptions (t-shirt included) to his Daring Fireball blog)
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again. (Joan Rivers)
If we were meant to be vegetarian, why did god make animals out of meat. Why not tofu? (Dan Nainan)
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (Henry Weinberger)
Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made. (John Berryman)
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. (Homer Simpson)
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. (George Carlin)
A blogger is a fool, who, not content with boring those living with him, insists on tormenting the general public. (Modified Montesquieu quote)
Download this funny quotes widget for free and install it on your website. They auto-size and the text changes color to fit your theme.
Si vous aviez faites vos devoirs ( an horrendous grammatical error from a French teacher on The Craft who should have done his homework)
Is she giving up sex for a human year or a dog year? - Seth Herzog on Paris Hilton's recent announcement.
First, I apologize for my English, I am French (I apologize for this too) ;) (A Snapview contributor)
The motto for NGO, World Vision, should be One world no vision.
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. (Harry Allen Smith)
Driver is banned for going 160mph. Judge: You are so irresponsible, driving your car as fast as it will go. Driver: That isn't as fast as it will go, I've had 180 out of it before (True story from UK)
I don't suffer with a fear of the unknown per se. What is scary is being scared of something in the future that I am not scared of now.
Hurry up, there is someone knocking at the front door. OK, I'm peeing as fast as I can
(Stephen Colbert talking to a Senator for Tennessee.) You won an award for ethics. It paid off for you. Doesn't that represent a conflict of interests?
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ( Found here, said by Albert Einstein)
Cut his ears off and send them to the marshall..." (Robert Duvall in Broken Trail trying to be funny? His nephew had just shot Big Ears Bywaters, thus preventing Big Ears from nailing Duvall's nuts to a plank!)
As a kid, "How could you remember a friend farting in assembly six months back, but not a word your teacher said yesterday?
Save the whales, trade them for valuable prizes (Seen on a baby's bib!)
...while war crimes had been committed, there had been no intent to commit genocide!" (An unbelievable rather than funny UN stance on atrocities in Sudan)
With a head like that, no wonder she can levitate. (Prompted by a scene in a documentary on Criss Angel where he levitated a rather dumb girl )
The audience made me feel as welcome as a fart in a space suit. (Billy Connolly).
Old Chinese proverb!!!!! Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
People say I'm cheap, but I only eat out of rich people's trash cans.
Your denial knows no boundaries. (Web Pen special)
I am not an alcoholic, I only drink myself unconscious when I have problems.
Keep your paws off the computer screen and watch the video like a normal cat.
Sometimes I had to turn my head to the side so I didn't blow chunks - (Greenhorn crab fisherman on Deadliest Catch.)
"I don’t have a boyfriend right now. I’m looking for anyone with a job that I don’t have to support. - Anna Nicole Smith”
(Found on Melissa's place) A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Oscar Wilde asks Sarah Bernhardt,. "Do you mind if I smoke?" She replies "I don't care if you burn to the ground.
An editor to her new journalist. If you have nothing new to say, shut the f*** up!
".................................................................." . "Oh, it appears that my microphone was turned off."
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - WC Fields
When French speakers swear, do they say "Excuse my English?
Astronauts preparing for takeoff: Doors and windows?" "Check & closed." "Seat belts & harnesses?" "On." "Diapers?" "Checked!"
One day in February isn't special, but you are." From anti-Valentine site
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Hey, why don't you try the crab?" "I'm allergic to crab." "I know." (Scene from Denzel Washington film)
After 3 weeks of aggravation trying to get the first condo on a big complex hooked up with Comcast, the Supervisor yells down the phone! : If I have to go through that 58 more times, it's gonna be ugly."
A father walks into a supermarket and says to his 4 year old . "OK, son, check the fruit prices real carefully. They just had a California freeze."
If you say 10,000 lemmings can't be wrong would Adolf Hitler say 10000 left testicles won't make a right one.?
How can I soar like an eagle if I mix with turkeys?
How do blonde brain cells die? Alone. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Three French council workers forget their shovels. They ask their supervisor what to do while they await replacements. "I dunno, find something else to lean on"
French bureaucrats make great husbands. They never come home from work tired & they already read the paper
After months of criticising Scion Xb cars, we finally got one. Well, it got us at a junction, and now lies half buried in the hood of our Toyota
This is for Mum, Dad, Darren, and Davina, who gave me their love and support throughout the writing of this book, even though I had to explain it all using plasticine dinosaurs. Cameron from Sitepoint...
Well here we are again, stuck at home eating chips, swilling beer, wasting the welfare check on second hand condoms, hanging the toilet paper out to dry for a repeat performance, the usual stuff.
Full story by Ed the Editor
The Evohe carries substantial fuel reserves, produces her own fresh water and is equipped with large freezers.
-Steve Kafka skipper of Arctic boat, Evohe
I thought it would be good to finish with macho man from the ice age who doesn't do anything around the house except drink beers
Torres, inventor of the "your turn" washing machine
(Despite) staging 250 campaign events to publicize it (...) this rollout caused so few ripples that its participants might as well have been in the witness protection program. Frank Rich on the brilliance of US Democrats (the non-Bushies for you foreign readers) at losing elections from a strong position.
Mauritanian Legion of Honour, (awarded to Larry Pardey) as Captain of first American team to sail across the Sahara Desert in a land yacht,1966 ; by Lin and Larry Pardey.
SIERRA AND BIANCA Casady, the half-Cherokee sisters who call themselves CocoRosie, have U.S. passports but wrote their debut in their creaky Paris apartment and, by the sound of things, recorded it on Mars. Josh Tyrangiel - Time Magazine
"You took my castle."
"That's right, you took my castle, I took yours, we're even!"
Not two realtors, but a chess fanatic guy on his cell phone in a supermarket.
They drive back from the office, step out of their Escalade and walk 5 paces in their $300 shoes to the house where the lambswool carpet and air-con awaits. That isn't living. Being in a boat with the sea raging, winds howling and only your resolve to get your through - now that's living.
An instructor at JWorld Annapolis
After legal advice, I published a worldwide adult contact publication even though it wasn't my sort of thing. It did prove to be amazingly profitable! An honest comment from Mike!
"form-fit offers smooth, snug..." advert for a case for a 2G iPod nano, not a condom
Using the reverse of "fan", and taking the first 3 letter of "Commodore" equals "Nafcom"! Nafcom handle story!
You know the guy that threw a shoe at Bush in Iraq? I hear the Yankees just drafted him for $10 million
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides? An interpreter. (Blondes should speak to Ismokeu about that one)
I am not too keen on my nose, I don't like my knees, I hate my ankles, I am unsure about my behind, I don't like my legs at all. I am not sure about my chin, my forehead is a bit dodgy. But, overall, I can live with it. (Helen Mirren)
No wonder Americans are fat, they order food by the bucket. A bucket is an implement of the farm yard! (Billy Connolly)
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to shop. — Bo Derek
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. (Funny computer quotes)
When your first daughter is born, go and talk to a tree for 15 minutes. Repeat this tree-talking ritual every night for 13 years, by which time you will be ready. (Family life)
What I did all night takes me all night - a quote from my father, not me, I hasten to add
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." DAVE BASSETT, talking soccer on Sky Sports
If I could have avoided the knockdowns, I think I could have won the fight. Felix Trinidad
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
— George Carlin
These Funny Quotes of the Day have been viewed over
If you want to be part of the success, tip The Pisstakers $15 and appear in one of our top 5 topspots.
My mother made me a homosexual.
And if you give her some yarn, she'll make you one too. ~quentin crisp
How on earth did the US Secret Service allow a civilian to let off two rounds of shoes without response? (Ed musing about shoes)
Parents need to collect digital pictures, diary entries, memorable quotes said by Baby... (The Keepaboo CEO was kidding, right!)
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
The republicans stay the course.
What, a collision course?
The judge asked, 'What do you plead?' I said, 'Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane? (Stephen Wright quote)
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow. (Funny joke site)
If pussy were stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’re flooding the market with it. It’s too easy to get. - Dave Chappelle
The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Stephen King. Found here
If girls are supposed to smell of sugar and spice and all things nice, why does mine smell of tuna? (The Sisters of Bad Taste tested and approved this)
A fool and his money are often out partying.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
Tell me the name of your plastic surgeon, I'll get your money back. Oilzine
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. (From Quote Mountain)
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
Tell me the name of your plastic surgeon, I'll get your money back. Oilzine
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. (From Quote Mountain)
Are you familiar with the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog
These Funny Quotes of the Day have been viewed over 21000 times, and regularly appear on the first page of Google search results.
If you want to be part of the success, tip The Pisstakers $15 and appear in one of our top 5 topspots.
And now, back to the show.
My father's last words. "oh, a truck." (Emo Phillips)
Scrape my bollocks from my thighs with a spatula (One sweaty hiker to another)
Chocolate plus booze plus Barry White equals panty dropper. (The sibling of I Eat Snowman Poop)
Your Village Called, they Want Their Idiot Back
Women are only fit for carrying out menial tasks such as washing and cooking, as well as the odd vigourous bout of intercourse. (Lord Likely)
91.432% of statistics are made up on the spot (Plooptionary)
Entertain your own readers - download and install this funny quotes widget on your site
The masochist said hit me, the sadist said no.
I Eat Snowman Poop - As Part of a Calorie Controlled Diet
Considering the educational prowess of the average builder, how hard can it be to build a house? (Ed, a former builder)
Error 666, hard drive possessed.
Stamped on a customer services agent wrist tag: "If you find me in a car accident, please phone my boss to say I will be late for work: the number is 312-234-5674; ext 2; press 4; press 2; say Yes, say No, press 1; wait 11 minutes. Thank you, I value your assistance.
Sort of like a hug, but without any touching, and it costs $19 (John Gruber selling subscriptions (t-shirt included) to his Daring Fireball blog)
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again. (Joan Rivers)
If we were meant to be vegetarian, why did god make animals out of meat. Why not tofu? (Dan Nainan)
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. (Henry Weinberger)
Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made. (John Berryman)
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. (Homer Simpson)
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. (George Carlin)
A blogger is a fool, who, not content with boring those living with him, insists on tormenting the general public. (Modified Montesquieu quote)
Download this funny quotes widget for free and install it on your website. They auto-size and the text changes color to fit your theme.
Si vous aviez faites vos devoirs ( an horrendous grammatical error from a French teacher on The Craft who should have done his homework)
Is she giving up sex for a human year or a dog year? - Seth Herzog on Paris Hilton's recent announcement.
First, I apologize for my English, I am French (I apologize for this too) ;) (A Snapview contributor)
The motto for NGO, World Vision, should be One world no vision.
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. (Harry Allen Smith)
Driver is banned for going 160mph. Judge: You are so irresponsible, driving your car as fast as it will go. Driver: That isn't as fast as it will go, I've had 180 out of it before (True story from UK)
I don't suffer with a fear of the unknown per se. What is scary is being scared of something in the future that I am not scared of now.
Hurry up, there is someone knocking at the front door. OK, I'm peeing as fast as I can
(Stephen Colbert talking to a Senator for Tennessee.) You won an award for ethics. It paid off for you. Doesn't that represent a conflict of interests?
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. ( Found here, said by Albert Einstein)
Cut his ears off and send them to the marshall..." (Robert Duvall in Broken Trail trying to be funny? His nephew had just shot Big Ears Bywaters, thus preventing Big Ears from nailing Duvall's nuts to a plank!)
As a kid, "How could you remember a friend farting in assembly six months back, but not a word your teacher said yesterday?
Save the whales, trade them for valuable prizes (Seen on a baby's bib!)
...while war crimes had been committed, there had been no intent to commit genocide!" (An unbelievable rather than funny UN stance on atrocities in Sudan)
With a head like that, no wonder she can levitate. (Prompted by a scene in a documentary on Criss Angel where he levitated a rather dumb girl )
The audience made me feel as welcome as a fart in a space suit. (Billy Connolly).
Old Chinese proverb!!!!! Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
People say I'm cheap, but I only eat out of rich people's trash cans.
Your denial knows no boundaries. (Web Pen special)
I am not an alcoholic, I only drink myself unconscious when I have problems.
Keep your paws off the computer screen and watch the video like a normal cat.
Sometimes I had to turn my head to the side so I didn't blow chunks - (Greenhorn crab fisherman on Deadliest Catch.)
"I don’t have a boyfriend right now. I’m looking for anyone with a job that I don’t have to support. - Anna Nicole Smith”
(Found on Melissa's place) A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Oscar Wilde asks Sarah Bernhardt,. "Do you mind if I smoke?" She replies "I don't care if you burn to the ground.
An editor to her new journalist. If you have nothing new to say, shut the f*** up!
".................................................................." . "Oh, it appears that my microphone was turned off."
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - WC Fields
When French speakers swear, do they say "Excuse my English?
Astronauts preparing for takeoff: Doors and windows?" "Check & closed." "Seat belts & harnesses?" "On." "Diapers?" "Checked!"
One day in February isn't special, but you are." From anti-Valentine site
Related posts
Generate traffic from funny quotes widget
Porn & funny quotes
Funny quotes on T-shirts
Marilyn Monroe quotes
Hey, why don't you try the crab?" "I'm allergic to crab." "I know." (Scene from Denzel Washington film)
After 3 weeks of aggravation trying to get the first condo on a big complex hooked up with Comcast, the Supervisor yells down the phone! : If I have to go through that 58 more times, it's gonna be ugly."
A father walks into a supermarket and says to his 4 year old . "OK, son, check the fruit prices real carefully. They just had a California freeze."
If you say 10,000 lemmings can't be wrong would Adolf Hitler say 10000 left testicles won't make a right one.?
How can I soar like an eagle if I mix with turkeys?
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How do blonde brain cells die? Alone. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
Three French council workers forget their shovels. They ask their supervisor what to do while they await replacements. "I dunno, find something else to lean on"
French bureaucrats make great husbands. They never come home from work tired & they already read the paper
After months of criticising Scion Xb cars, we finally got one. Well, it got us at a junction, and now lies half buried in the hood of our Toyota
This is for Mum, Dad, Darren, and Davina, who gave me their love and support throughout the writing of this book, even though I had to explain it all using plasticine dinosaurs. Cameron from Sitepoint...
Well here we are again, stuck at home eating chips, swilling beer, wasting the welfare check on second hand condoms, hanging the toilet paper out to dry for a repeat performance, the usual stuff.
Full story by Ed the Editor
The Evohe carries substantial fuel reserves, produces her own fresh water and is equipped with large freezers.
-Steve Kafka skipper of Arctic boat, Evohe
I thought it would be good to finish with macho man from the ice age who doesn't do anything around the house except drink beers
Torres, inventor of the "your turn" washing machine
(Despite) staging 250 campaign events to publicize it (...) this rollout caused so few ripples that its participants might as well have been in the witness protection program. Frank Rich on the brilliance of US Democrats (the non-Bushies for you foreign readers) at losing elections from a strong position.
Mauritanian Legion of Honour, (awarded to Larry Pardey) as Captain of first American team to sail across the Sahara Desert in a land yacht,1966 ; by Lin and Larry Pardey.
SIERRA AND BIANCA Casady, the half-Cherokee sisters who call themselves CocoRosie, have U.S. passports but wrote their debut in their creaky Paris apartment and, by the sound of things, recorded it on Mars. Josh Tyrangiel - Time Magazine
"You took my castle."
"That's right, you took my castle, I took yours, we're even!"
Not two realtors, but a chess fanatic guy on his cell phone in a supermarket.
They drive back from the office, step out of their Escalade and walk 5 paces in their $300 shoes to the house where the lambswool carpet and air-con awaits. That isn't living. Being in a boat with the sea raging, winds howling and only your resolve to get your through - now that's living.
An instructor at JWorld Annapolis
After legal advice, I published a worldwide adult contact publication even though it wasn't my sort of thing. It did prove to be amazingly profitable! An honest comment from Mike!
"form-fit offers smooth, snug..." advert for a case for a 2G iPod nano, not a condom
Using the reverse of "fan", and taking the first 3 letter of "Commodore" equals "Nafcom"! Nafcom handle story!
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