I said "No recession here" a couple of weeks ago. Well, can I change my mind a little bit? How about Armageddon.

After watching Helicopter Ben Bernanke juggling the inane questions from Congress about how to jump start the economy, I have to conclude that the economy is somewhat screwed, and corporate America is totally lacking in moral, forthright and timely economic leadership.

Economics 101

For those that are interested, there are two ways to "control" the economy. Monetary policy and fiscal policy. Bernanke is in charge of monetary policy, (interest rates are his only concern) and the government is in charge of fiscal policy (taxes, to you and me). If Bernanke was good at his job, and had jumped into action about 6 months ago, housing would be alive still, and there would be no need to even consider fiscal policy changes.

Instead, the country has been on hold, waiting to see how low the interest rates will get before buying homes. There are now trillions of dollars tied up in property which should be out in the open, being spent on Korean TVs and lead painted toys from China... Oops.

Action 101

If anyone cares, there are three simple steps any pisstaker leader could implement today to sort the mess out swiftly.

The first way to stimulate the economy is to make Ben do his job. He should be implementing substantive interest rate measures, not explaining in words of one syllable how congress should use taxes to sort out his mess! For instance, he said,

Ladies and gentlemen, give low and medium income families a tax rebate and they will spend it all, almost instantly, and kick start the economy.

Wise words, but, he talks in ways that congress don't understand. Firstly, Congress men and women don't know what a poor person looks like, and second, they are clueless in the ways of the world of the poor. One confused soul asked, How do we make sure that tax rebates get to the 28,000 males in my state who have never worked a day in their lives and aren't registered tax payers? Give me strength. Just send the cash rebates straight to the crack houses!

Second step is to forget creating more debt for new tax rebates. Just fire 80% of congress and give their current tax dollar wages to the poor to spend wisely.

I am sure the congress folk are decent people, (dons flame retardant suit) but they don't need public funded money to pay their bills. Their lobbyist friends send them plenty enough as it is. And don't feel guilty about firing a congressman in charge of economic policy who has to ask questions like, How does the multiplier effect work? What do you call low and medium income families? Why do tax cuts cost the general public money?

Final step is to go on holiday to a small Pacific island and come back in 2009. This will indirectly stimulate the economy here in the US. Mega companies like HP and IBM are on fire in emerging banana republic markets charging 50% less for the same goods they sell here in America. You, as an expat can stock up on tip top printers, and the tech corporations can send the excess profits back to the US. Win win.

Bottom line: There is a long way to go till the economy reaches the bottom line.

According to a NJ radio talk show host yesterday, the average wedding costs $20,000 in Afghanistan, a country where the average wage is $7000. Despite the flawed numbers (averages are meaningless, doing the average is what keeps the average down etc), and despite the fact that the presenter of the show likely could not pinpoint Afghanistan on a map, it provided an interesting insight into - US mindsets!

Lobbys provoke Afghanistan invasion to kill off weddings

Starting from the top, with the wedding industry lobby, I think Western aggressions in Afghanistan have been provoked by jealous wedding party planners who have the government's ear. Let's face it, when was the last time you went to a $20k wedding in America with animals, balloons and several hundred guests partying like loonies for days? Planners can't put on that kind of show here, because no matter how much money or credit card debt you have, some people just can't be bought. Even with the lure of a healthy back-hander payment and a high-paying position on a once-a-month committee, animal rights officials simply won't permit endangered species to mingle with wedding guests,.

I think the housing lobby is also tied up in the anti-Afghan wedding putsch. We are led to believe that this is the land of milk and honey and home ownership is nirvana. If we all knew how great it really was in Afghanistan, we'd all be jumping ship and buying up mortgage-free caves ready to move into after our stunning weddings.

And the fashion lobby want their say too. If the traditional Afghan wedding head dress ever became fashionable, Vera Wang would be out of business in the click of a rifle.

How cheap is a cheap wedding in America?

Some guy from Jersey was all proud that in 2001 he spent $10k on his modest wedding. It sounded like he had 10 guests, a couple of Big Macs per head, and everyone got drunk on wine gums. At the other extreme, a woman explained how she had a friend whose wedding cost $100k. That sounded like it had the potential to match an average Afghan wedding for pomp and circumstance, (albeit 5 times the price) but alas, still no animals were mentioned in the Jersey exytravaganza.

Cheap Spanish wedding

I couldn't get to the phone so I couldn't put in my own experience. Our wedding in a picturesque mountain village lasted 3 days. We fed all our family and friends to bursting with Spanish and Moroccan food and it cost me $4000. The secret was that we have small families and a few friends. To further weed out the guests who didn't really really love us, we staged the wedding thousands of miles from America and hundreds of miles from other family and friends in Europe. Playing fair, we asked for no gifts, just their presence. It was a great 3 days and it was all paid for, but not forgotten.

Value for money wedding

The radio conversation probed the idea of cost of wedding v longevity of marriage. The $10k skinflint announced that he is still married, whereas his buddies who spent $25k are all divorced now. Way to go, cheapskate! On that basis, it looks like I will be with Mrs Ed until at least 2020!

But the kicker was the $100k extravagants. They got divorced 7 MONTHS after the ceremony where they pledged to be together for richer or poorer till death us do part. Well, if I were the parents who paid for the wedding, they would certainly be dead, or at least forced to sign up and go study Afghan treatment of brides who don't want to be married any more.

Got any wedding horror stories, foreign perspectives?

Wesley Snipes, aka Al Capone? is in the dock discussing a $16m shortfall on taxes due. It seems that he decided not to give the government a cut from his $40m earnings 1999-2004. Apparently old Blade is one of 1 million folks who think the IRS trick you into paying taxes that they are not entitled to collect on. So rather than debate it in a gentlemanly manner with tax officials, Passenger 57 and these 999,999 others, simply bury their head in the sand and wait to be summoned to court.

Remind me not to look to him for financial advice. Nobody has ever got away without paying, and many go to jail.

Snipes' time has come to face the music. Good luck in court with your story, pal! As they said on TV today, Hollywood actors have a hard time persuading people they are sincere, even when they are genuinely talking from the heart. Imagine addressing 12 peers and convincing them you didn't think you needed to pay taxes, honestly, truly, madly... And that's the easy bit, because you also have to explain the writing of three dud checks for tax you didn't think you needed to pay!

I guess the director of this next piece aka The Judge, will get an autograph and a moment of glory when he sentences Wes to jail. The only bright side to this tax evasion episode for the Hollywood actor, is that he shouldn't get too much hassle behind bars. Did you see what he did to the bad guys in his movies?

Bobcat is the code name for some wow factor Apple product supplied by Garmin, the in-car GPS specialists. Techies at MacWorld are a-tremble with anticipation. However, on this same positive day for lost drivers everywhere, there is furor about New Jersey traffic policies The governor wants to introduce an 800% increase in tolls to raise $38bn in revenue - for what, one can only imagine [government salaries and bonuses].

The Garmin Apple Jersey story

I predict that any time now, thanks to Bobcat, you will be able to plug your iPod Nano into your GPS unit. At the click of a button, the software will be able to create music by equating precisely located foot-tapping and head-shaking movements with musical notes. Then you feed that data into Garage Band, add a few car horns and squealing brake noises, and combine it all with traffic jam announcer soundtracks taken from your satellite radio.

The software then auto creates a unique personalised song that you can listen to as your GPS helps you skirt road works and hold-ups with consummate ease. And it is all done wirelessly.

The Gouge Cat

The Gouge Cat is a special Bobcat version for the New Jersey road user. After taxes, it costs way more than anywhere else, and by the end of 2010, despite mega billion dollar revenues, they still won't be able to make it work properly.

I am no transport major, but I heard years ago that an extra traffic lane is like an extra trash can. The more trash cans you have the more trash you accumulate. Apparently, the NJ governor never heard of this fact!

Time for me to find maps to get me to the peaceful Pacific North West.

Update: To be a good blogger boy and bring some authority to the crap I write, here is a link to the real Bobcat from Garmin!

I am not much of an artist, and I don't read much, but I know what I like about art. I like funny art, which could mean funny ha-ha as well as funny peculiar.

Looking at the pictures in this funny art article from the Seattle Times, I thought that "Touch" a pair of long arms hung over a clothes hook was a pretty cool piece. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious art critic, (is there any other sort?), it was quite funny too. Somebody had mucked around with it, by turning the hands to face out. Maybe they thought it should have been called Do Not Touch?

There wasn't much else at the Francine Seders funny show that struck me as funny, but that's not to say you wouldn't burst a blood vessel laughing at some of the other works of art. Art works in mysterious ways.

And I did a bit of digging around other artists on the web site, and if anyone can tell me what is going on with the work of an artist guy called Robert C. Jones, feel free to share. Like I said, I like my funny stuff, but I am also willing to open up to art that appeals to other emotions. Trouble is, I can't quite find the words to describe what I feel when I look at his canvasses.

Fortunately, (in my ignorant opinion) there was nothing else at the gallery as out-and-out fricking stupid as those Damien Hirst spots and pickled sheep deals I mentioned a while back, but you may beg to disagree.

Don't Call me stupid

There is a really cool UK art critic called Brian Sewell. I wouldn't want to be on the end of his acerbic tongue lashings. For an idea of what you are up against if he is scrutinizing your favorite art, check out the sound board. And please, don't consume any drinks or food when you click on Sewell sound bites, because you will spit it out. Imagine the butler in Arthur, but real!

Enough of the Thursday thing and an end to the confusion, it's Sunday and showtime.

When I first read her latest post, I thought Linda had the greatest hair ever as a teenager. Thinking back to my youth, I was going to beg to differ, but when I saw it was the greasiest, well, she's a winner :)

These guys never miss a trick with stats and scripts and webroot trojan stuff going on behind the scenes. They spotted a MyBlogLog widget anomaly here and Google get away with nothing. Sharp reporters.

The countdown is on till baby dropping time for IESP & it is only fitting that she has a cool mom cartoon. I wonder if it would be so funny if it really happened? Jeez, I can't bare to imagine that with my mom!

Claire has hit the big time and joined the big boys of blogging with her Golden Cock Award from the amazing Lord likely. Life will never be the same again - which is nice!

Kdub delves into the political arena and talks about Obama's victory in the Iowa caucuses. Who knows if he will be president, but for sure, Youtube will win the ratings war over the regular news channels.

If you can't get passionate about polar bears, there is something wrong with you. There is definitely nothing wrong with Diane, her bear book cover is cool, unlike the bears in the picture clinging to the melting ice floe.

It is always refreshing to read Dan's quintissential Northern English blog posts, especially when he refers to petrol. It sounds so much more important than gas. A lot more expensive than gas too!


MidLeah is from Alabama and doesn't fit in. I like that she will do the opposite of what the masses are trying to persuade her to do. So, leave her to make her own decision, else you will definitely not get her vote.

Lara loves her husband, but maybe she needs to tell him to tidy up more, and say once and for all that the local tramp actually dresses sharper than he does.

MyBlogLog Sunday stumbles into week 41 a bit more on time than last week.

As you probably know, Yahoo are the owners of MyBlogLog. After reading various rumors about Microsoft buying out Yahoo for an insane sum, I wonder if the MBL Sunday franchise will ever be bought out for tens of billions?

From a business point of view, I suppose it is only an attractive proposition if there were more than one franchisee! I did see one guy started a shadow copy cat version, but much like the theme of his site, Agloco, it never came to anything. Apart from that, it has just been me.

Does anyone else fancy a go at this format? If so, I will gladly promote it and we can share the buy-out fee!


And if MSFT ever do get their hands on this feature, I promise to buy a PC and Windows. For the longest time, I have been looking for a good excuse to replace my hi-tech Mac doorstop.


Anyhoo, as the illiterati might say, as per the "rules", the bloggers in the screenshot will get a mini review, my finest PR4 backlink, plus a link to your MyBlogLog community... Call by later on this evening for the fruits of my labors.

MyBlogLog Sunday info links

Be back later.

And this video review from Breaking News will shed some light on what goes on, if you haven't called by before.