13 May 2007

Web search for the humor in technology, world news, celebrities and mad events | 20 May 2007 | 06 May 2007

All about rabies - a funny hospital story!

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

Imagine you come back from a holiday in India and a couple of days later you feel ill enough to go to the Emergency room at your local hospital. The doctors check you out, looking for clues about your condition. They ask what you have been doing recently, presumably as a way of homing in on something out of the ordinary that may be the possible cause of your illness.

After a long think, you say you were bitten by a dog in Bombay the week before.

I am no medical expert, but I would have considered a few options. At the very least, even forgetting the dog part of the story, maybe I would have investigated to see if the person was suffering from early symptoms of Bombay Bum, a tricky ailment that once developed, leaves you stranded without warning, with brown undies, every 23 minutes. But no, there was no swab or internal investigation. They checked for things like sun stroke, dehydration, silly things that she obviously wasn't suffering from.

And that was it, the consultation was over. She was invited to come back if she felt any worse.

The details of this hospital visit were revealed in the papers a few days later, when we also learned that the poor woman had been readmitted in her death throes, riddled with rabies, almost beyond help. The ironic thing is, if she had stayed in India, she would have probably been treated much earlier on for rabies, seeing as they are somewhat alert to the repercussion of stray dog bites.

Perhaps if she had said that a flock of bats had nipped her, or a fox had attacked her, or she had inhaled the fumes from the faeces of a rabid skunk, or had been fraternising with unvaccinated raccoons, perhaps the doctors at home would have been more interested?

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MyBlogLog Sunday winners

Filed in: gummi bears

Part of the appeal of MyBlogLog Sunday is the lure of gummi bears plus a full review. These goodies are awarded to the blog that sends the most readers to The Pisstakers in the week following their mini review.

The most recent winners have been Polliwog, Bobbarama, Are We there Yet? Plooptionary, The MyBlogLog, Callie Ann and Tigger. I thank you all for your contribution to the cause, putting this little piece of cyberspace in front of increasingly more eyes, week on week.

Where's my review?

Reviews are quite indepth, so they don't just appear out of nowhere. They have not been flowing quite as freely as the gummi bears, so slap that wrist, Ed! But I am working on it and will honor my promises. Callie Ann's was the most recent release, I have a few ideas sketched out for Ploop (a pun intended) and when Polli has a few more posts, i will swoop!

Incidentally, I am still awaiting an address to send bears to the MyBlogLog team and Tigger and co.

And every one should give a big round of applause to Ploop for putting his gummi bears back into the kitty. The best comment of this week will enjoy their gelatinous loveliness.

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Are you dead yet?

Filed in: Ed's blog spot

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

A few years ago I was involved in a car accident that turned my life upside down. (I recommend Saabs, it completely destroyed the GM car that ploughed into me.) Although it was a bad time there were some highlights that still make me smile and I have dined out on a couple of episodes.

Picture if you will, I am living in a log cabin a few yards from a main house located smack bang in the middle of the countryside. It is a tiny shack and the roof and most of the windows are covered in vines. I am in a deep post trauma depression, not that anyone really knows, and I have been avoiding people for a few days. The landlady is very worried and calls by to say hi and brings me a cake. (I have been eating 10 donuts a day but don't let on.) She announces that she is going away for a few days. Her husband will look out for me. Oh boy, I can hardly wait. He is a very stand-off distant person by nature and I barely know the guy.

Next morning I hear this timid knock on the door and a gruff voice asks,
"Are you dead yet?" It was the first time I have spoken to him properly, it is the first time I have smiled in days.

From the moment he opened the day to say, "hi", I knew I was going to like this person. He sounded timid because he was, he was shy and introvert and quiet. And he didn't talk to many people because he was incredibly intuitive and didn't usually like what he saw. I was like an open book to him, and he could see what a state I was in, even though I tried to put on a brave face. We became instant friends.

An illiterate but artistic genius, he taught me how to paint, how to see, how to draw and how to understand. It was the most educational few months of my life, and in many ways I am thankful for that nasty episode, else I would still be a fairly closed book.

And if it hadn't been for the dire direction some medication took me, prescribed sometime later by a literate doctor, I would never have been able to tell another friend the story about building this huge bonfire and burning all my worldly possessions in a fit of drug-induced paranoid pique. And if I hadn't told him that, he would never have been able to make my new wife laugh so hard at my wedding when he asked, poker-face. "When do you think you're husband is going to burn the presents?"

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I think therefore I am

Filed in: Ed's blog spot

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

Not wishing to tread on the literary toes of the hysterical dictionaryist, Bobbarama, but I was playing around with that great philosophical statement, I think therefore I am, and found some contrived variations on a theme. But first off:

For 10 points, those deep meaningful words, I think therefore I am were uttered by?

If you said Descartes, you would be right, but to get the full 10 points you would also have to add the names of millions more who have since uttered them. (That was a jab at all students sitting exams out there - read the question carefully.)

I think therefore Iran

I was reading an article by Dilbert, the cartoonist guy. He was throwing out the idea that Iran and US democracies might not be so far apart. He qualified his article by saying he didn't have a clue what he was talking about, and invited fans to comment, in order to put him straight. What a tactic, as I am sure the comments equate to twice the content of the whole Pisstakers site.

I stink therefore I swam

Anyone read about the guy who washed once a month, whether he needed to or not? Then there was the high diver at Acapulco. He had an accident peering down into the surging surf prior to his 100 feet swan dive. He took the diving option rather than have to walk back through the crowds to change his trunks.

I wink, therefore I am

The Weakest Link has to be one of the cruelest quiz shows I ever saw. As the result of a clever piece of invention, one sarcastically meek and mild Ann Robinson, UK journalist and minor TV personality, has spawned a fleet of bitchy cutting clones across the globe. If you ever get to see Spanish or French or South African or Mexican or 73 other versions worldwide, you will see what I mean. And the scary thing is how they all wink, just like Ann Robinson.

I link therefore I'm banned

2000 bloggers, John Chow, Dosh Dosh and many other Technorati gamers try building up links and favorites using methods not quite in line with the spirit of the internet. Automated favoriting, rejigging code and pleading posts are all done in the name of experimentation, or working with the tools already out there in the public domain... Of course, eventually some get their come-uppance and when found out get banned from Technorati. Then the rules get altered slightly and pariahs are accomodated and welcomed back into Technorati's fold in a fanfare of glory and thanks for finding flaws in the system. Who is interested?

I don't think I am, therefore...

Till tomorrow and this is the last time I try to find the funny in words, by the way. Over to you, Bob at Dictiowary corner.

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The Pisstakers Reviews gallery

Filed in: Full reviews

I was checking over the reviews page I have going on and realised there may be a slight deception going on on my part! I have put a little widgety thing in the sidebar showing the Page Rank for the Pisstakers. It relates to the homepage, which is a 5, but this doesn't apply to every page on the website. In fact the PR for the review page is a 4 - still pretty sharp but...

So, rather than pull a flanker and mislead anyone into thinking that their review has PR5 status, when it may not, I have put together a series of mini summaries of full reviews and will leave them firmly on the homepage. Now, all reviewed blogs and websites will have a permanent spot on the best ranking page on the site. See if you are on the list.

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Observations about merchandise

Filed in: Ed's blog spot

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

I was listening to a podcast from TWiT and they were explaining how income from merchandise is about the only way most podcasters will ever get ahead financially. That was one observation that must have pissed off 3 million podcasters at once.

A sound piece of advice I heard from another source that may save the day - if you run a tech (ie boring ) blog (or podcast), just get some funny t-shirts designed, with logos or quotes not related to your blog/podcast in any way, and point your viewers/listeners to them.

Talk about inappropriate merchandise - I remember seeing a sheath knife, a small hunting knife, that had the words, "Glasgow Rangers F.C." stamped professionally on the handle. Knowing what Scottish soccer fans get up to on a Saturday night after a few beers, I wouldn't be surprised to see rival supporters wielding a souvenir claymore or mace.

A "Scottish" quote to put on your standard issue mug: Jesus Saves, and Dalgleish scores off the rebound. Kenny Dalgleish is a soccer legend

In case that went straight over your head, here is an "American" quote to put on a Bank of America mug: Here, noone saves.

The Pisstakers has a shop, supposedly open for business. Judging by the sales, however, clearly the merchandise needs the same level of work over as my jokes. (For the benefit of people like my wife, unaware that the average savings rate in the USA is -1%, that Bank of America quote was funny!!!!!)

And finally, on this site I have a page called Shopaholics, which is like a front for shop-related info. The internet is full of ways to get you to part with your money and I found a few different on-line store options to show bloggers who might be looking for monetizing ideas. Shopaholics is here if you are interested. It is of no interest to me, because if the economy depended on my spending habits, it would collapse.

OK, time to go and enjoy the sun with my second hand Pisstakers cap on.

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I hate the country

Filed in: Ed's blog spot

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

Don't you just love summer, when you can put all the big sweaters and thermals away and get out in the sun, lounge by the pool, stroll on the beach, enjoy the country. Ordinarily I would say a resounding yes to relaxing in all three locations, but as of now, I don't care if I never see a touch of countryside again - at least till the next snows come by.

This questionable attitude isn't because I don't love greenery, flowery landscapes, twittering birdies and clear blue skies. I do, I love 'em all. It's not because I don't enjoy cycling through the undergrowth, ducking branches, scaring myself shitless dropping off edges. Believe me, there is nothing better for the heart and soul. I don't hate the country because some territorial farmer saw me off his land. I don't even dislike the country for the smells, the pesticides and the interfering developments and highways and general Mankind stuff that blots the landscape.

What I can't stand about being in the country is that it makes my eyelids puff up like a mushroom, my eyeballs go as red as an alcoholic's and my whole head seems to itch like a flea-infested armpit. Man, I fricking hate the country and all its pollen and irritants and allergens and allergic activants. I can barely see the screen as I type this. I can barely raise a smile out myself let alone think of something to humor my valued readers. This summer in the country deal sucks el grande.

If I could mow the whole damned state and dump the grass in the ocean, fell every tree and turn the leaves into some brand new fuel for cars, if I could dig up every orchard and never eat fruit again, I would.

But until I become President with the power to do all that eco-friendly stuff, I will sit here in a darkened room with sunglasses on, one hand on the tissue box, the other on a keyboard drenched somewhere below my streaming eyes. I will keep popping Zyrtec like smarties, and snorting on nasal decongesants with more vigor than even Scarface could muster on a bad day at the office.

I am signing off until tomorrow, which hopefully will bring grey skies, squalls and mists to really piss off the people on the beaches and by the pools. Enjoy the summer, folks.

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Microwave rant

Filed in: Ed's blog spot

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

The truth is, we got stiffed by the builder over the appliances in the house we recently bought. I did a brief post about the crap dishwasher, it should have been longer, I didn't do its crapabilty justice. To be honest, I can't be bothered to update it now, because yesterday I hit an all-time low with the microwave.

I should have been more interested at the start

My wife is as sharp as a nail when it comes to understanding kitchen appliances. There was me trying to placate her when she first saw the lame excuse for luxury white goods thrown into the kitchen. They looked lovely to me, all sparkly and new and white. Without even turning on a switch, she saw ripped clothes, smoked- out kitchen and badly defrosted food. I told her it would be fine, she rolled her eyes and now I know she was on the money.

Of course she was right and goddammit, 4 months later, I am pissed, too. Better late than never, I suppose. It came to a head with the fricking microwave. I ladle some cold homemade soup into a bowl and put it in the microwave. 3 minutes later I remove it, give the soup a quick stir then taste it. How can one single spoon contain soup that is cold enough to crack a tooth, as well as have drops hot enough to blister my mouth?

Slightly enraged at this point, I stirred the soup vigorously, expecting it to turn just the right temperature overall. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but after a quick finger-tip test, I was ready for a heart attack. The bowl was molten hot but the soup appeared to be barely luke warm. Fucking hell, it must have cost me $2 to heat it to this point and still it was no good??!! Did I have the only 100 Watt microwave in the world? So I reheated it for another 60 seconds.

I swear to god, if this was the first microwave ever invented, it would be in the river by now, tied around the neck of the bastard who invented it. After giving it 4 minutes of my life, the soup was slightly above luke warm overall, except for the nuclear heated 2 inch spot in the bowl which blistered the enamel off my cracked front tooth.

I have calmed down now, but I still despise the tight wad builder who, for the sake of a few hundred bucks, could have had a totally happy customer. Instead, now he has a pisstaker on the war path, going round picking up on every fault imaginable.

I am going to show him the rips in my vigorously over spin-dried underpants and demand a refund (allowing for depreciation of 7 years' use). I am also going to ask him if he can prise open the door to the freezer box in the super luxury fridge, because I sure as hell can't, even with a 12" screw driver taped to a pry bar for extra leverage.

I am going to ask him to clean the smoke stains on the ceiling above the extractor hood. Blow me with a feather, but the extractor doesn't extract, it just recycles my wife's lovely burnt chicken fat. And before anyone gets on our case about being bad cooks, maybe the rest of America has lost the art of roasting, but we haven't. Even I can produce a mean chicken without incident, normally. The truth is, the oven/hood set up is crap, and not even on the instructions does it recommend having the family stationed next to smoke alarms, tea towels in hand, flapping away smoke for the duration of a chicken roast.

And that is just the intro to the list of sundry complaints now growing by the day. Like the lifting floor, cracking joints, sticking ballcock, all things that never worried us before, but man, they have become pressing and life-threatening now! Happy Harry the foreman is going to be smiling from the other side of his face when he finishes reading the list of minor errors that I was willing to let slip and put right myself over time. If he has any sense, he will tie his boss to our white goods and chuck the whole sorry bunch into the river, good riddance.

Oh yeah, and I owe my good wife an apology for underestimating her warnings about how rough and cheapskate a luxury builder can be in these parts! Trust me, they are as rough as assholes and don't deserve to even be paid in shirt buttons.

There, I feel better now. Got any good stories of a similar vein?

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MyBlogLog Sunday 9

Filed in: MBL sunday

Today's another MyBlogLog Sunday - part 9, no less, at the Pisstakers.

I have already consumed 2 pints of coffee this morning. This isn't normal practice for readying myself for mini reviews, but it was the only way to keep my cool as I went retro, restoring a few articles lost in a crash yesterday. Anyway, here are another 10 souls lined up for a mini review later today.

It looks like 3 new kids on the block, a couple of long lost friends, some perennial and brilliant mainstays of the growing community and a man from Malaysia who obviously sees more of a future in MyBlogLog Sunday than he does in Agloco!!!

Thanks for taking part and for them that don't know the gig here on Sundays, the rules, haha, are explained here. (As a hint, be a MyBlogLog member who visits here just before I start blogging on Sundays!)

By next Sunday the mini reviews will be farmed out for posterity to the archives, a permanent reminder of their glorious moment, a permanent back link, blah blah.

Whether you are a super surfer or a blogger, I hope you enjoy reading my one-liner summary before visiting 10 diverse blogs.

MyBlogLog Sunday prize winner

A pound of gummi bears and a review like these is on offer to which ever of last week's featured blogs refers the most traffic to The Pisstakers before midnight Saturday.

Yeehah, miaouw, Tigger and the gang won the gummi bears and review for referring most traffic to The Pisstakers. Congratulations.(There are lots of hits from several other blogs, but the prize lies in referring traffic that reads!)

MyBlogLog Sunday info links

All hot mini reviews on MyBloglog Sunday!

Internet buzz on MyBloglog Sunday!

How to participate in MyBloglog Sunday!

Weekly round-up of MyBloglog Sunday!

Other contests this week

Link Rambler is one to keep in your bookmarks. They search the internet high and low looking for... promotions, awards, contests, memes, giveaways, linkbait opportunities, and other ways to bring traffic to your site or blog. (Ray's words not mine!)

Web Analytics have a blog contest for tech heads. The future of Search marketing. Check out the rules. Prizes include cash, a pro account at MyBlogLog...

Blog About Your Blog have attracted 100 RSS reader visitors per day for a while now. If you are one of the first 200 to subscribe to their RSS feed you could win a mini fridge. Hurry, summer is coming fast.

The Pisstakers This week's tantalizing clue to "You won't win a Zune" contest is: It helps you relax.

We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search our keyphrase web satire. It is a win-win, perhaps!

Be back later.

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No Save days are plain shite

Filed in: Ed's blog spot

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

After many years of trials and tribulations, I tend not to get annoyed at much. I cut out most of the aggravation in my life by getting rid of a PC and going Mac. Yeah, I know, flame wars begin, but it is true. Well, sort of. Macs do play up occasionally and yesterday, my reward for not pressing the Apple-Save button for the last 48 hours, in theory lost me 48 hours' worth of work.

You may well say, what are you doing not saving anything? The simple answer is, I have lost the manual save habit. For the last 4 and a half years, I never needed to save anything till I finished a project, because honest, the Mac I have doesn't system crash ever and the only app that gives me any regular gip is the browser, and who cares if that dies a momentary death, the history auto saves and you plod on exactly as before.

So imagine my dismay when the software I use to run the Pisstakers, Rapidweaver, decided to go die for the sake of a snotty Flash Player.plugin which I haven't even used in a while, which really annoys me even more. Needless to say I fired off a comment to their forum insisting that they add an auto save feature. No knee jerk reactions here.

My argument was that if auto save is good enough for the guys running the servers, it is good enough for us minions here on earth with a measly computer on our desktop.

I said the work was lost in theory. Thankfully, as all but one article had already been published on the internet, the work wasn't so much lost as stored on a server. It was a pain in the butt copying and pasting the code from the View Source in the browser and I felt like a major plagiariser, but at least I am almost back to normal. Unfortunately some of your comments may not appear where they were placed, sorry, it won't happen again, as I hope this neat little script called "Apple-S" will be auto saving all my work every 10 minutes, to great effect.

Right, folks, now I am relaxed again, back to MyBlogLog Sunday.

btw, what is the most work you ever lost on your computer? Did you cry?

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