As you can see, visitors flock from all over the world to read this well-crafted rubbish. I say, there is no point being a jet-setter and not putting that knowledge to good use. (Who wants to become another Paris Hilton?)

Therefore the topic of conversation for the blog spot on the homepage will be international blogs.

Before you skuttle off and hide, I appreciate that the bulk of Pisstakers readers are from the USA, so it is only fair that I continue to blog in English, the international language (in the minds of us English speakers.)

English, the world's dominant language - not

I say international language in the minds of us English speakers because as far as world languages are concerned, it is the language of business and music. Wow. How many businessmen or musicians do you know around the world?

See, this linguistic arrogance towards the mighty English is double-edged. It has served musicians well, because let's face it, English rhymes better than most languages, and only ballads in French really come ahead in the pleasing lyrical stakes. But if we rely on pop stars to push English around the world, we native speakers must come across as fairly shallow. Does Bin laden hate the West because he believes the lyrics to certain songs he whistles are a direct reflection of our mindset?

And the leaders of economic powerhouses like to think English seals the deal, but really, it is the translators who explain everything of importance in native languages to avoid misunderstandings!

Supporters will argue that English is the most widely spoken language, but all that means is that someone somewhere in any country of the world will have an I Speakee the Inglish phrase book. But in most spheres of influence, and in real life around the world, English is ubiquitous but superfluous.

English in Latin America

Let's face it, who wants to speak English in places like Caracas or Colombia, apart from tourists with a death wish?

Business people want to speak English! Well, best speak English behind closed doors, because it only reminds the everyday Latins of the influence of America on their livelihoods - and a lot of the enterprising folks there carry guns and well-used copies of Kidnap 101. Whatever we care to believe, Spanish and a little bit of Portuguese dominate the linguistic airwaves in that huge, beaten up-continent. Even in Mexico, America's child, it is hard to make a case for English being a dominant language. Hell, even Spanish there is soooo bastardised it is hardly Spanish any more either.

English In Europe

There are about 60 million native English-speakers masquerading as committed Euro Brits and Irish. That hardly constitutes a dominant force in a continent of 7 gazillion. Of course everyone learns English at school. The truth is though, everyone learns pi r squared and the volume of a cone too, but we never care to use that knowledge, and are all too willing to forget it within a day of leaving school. In the real European world, only loud Americans and Brits shout English, and French waiters are the only ones who care not to use the little bit of English they know.

Oh but the Germans! Rumor has it they speak better English than ze Brits. True, but only useful when confronting, I mean relating to the ones that can be bothered - the businessmen and the politically turbo-charged youth whose idea of culture is The Scorpions and Schwartzbrot. Again, just because they can, doesn't mean the average German businessman is willing to natter away like a Cockney to every English exporter they encounter. (Although, bring out a few beers and things may brighten up a bit!)

The language barrier is one of the reasons why the UK has been losing so much trade in Europe, ie Johnny Smith from Dover cannot speak 3 words of German to Johnny Foreigner, even though he wants to sell his product to the biggest single economy in Europe. Doh. Plus, the more important reason behind impasses - which sane German would want to buy British engineering shite, British mad cows or atrocious British food products when they have their own versions of the same?

But I digress. The common language in Europe is probably French, and if you ever heard a German speak French, you know that no native English speaker could stand to be in the same room as Hans grinding out the language of love in his guttural way. And so where does that leave us? Well, running out of English dominated countries.

English in Asia, hahaha

Once you leave the Greek tourist scene and head into Turkey, you may as well kiss goodbye to English, because in Asia, you aren't going to meet too many folks in who can be bothered to swap their local dialect for Oxford or Harvard English. You know, what amounts to 65% of the world is not interested in English, apart from teachers of English as a Foreign Language, most Uni students and the educated Indians. (God bless their economic miracle for increasing the education levels so rapidly for the benefit of Service center employers everywhere.)

Bollocks to no English in Asia, I hear you travelers say! Yes, the travelers who stick to the tourist routes and stick with the major chains can speakee the Inglish fine, but leave for the backstreets and the interior of most countries, the real bits, and you are on your own with a phrase book. Come on, this should come as no surprise. If you go 60 miles inland from rocking Spanish coastlines, you are reliant on Spanish and hand signals. How do you think the average Bornean or Vietnamese or Chinaman is going to converse with you?

English in Australasia, Canada, the two Poles and TV

In the interests of thoroughness, these fine bodies of land are fairly safe havens for English speakers. Indigenous cultural references give us English words like Billabong, Joey and Sheila which need no translation - if you are from Australia. Canada challenges us travelers with Eh and Oui and O, and in the Poles, you can say what you like how you like, no one can hear you.

TV is probably the most universal carrier of English, especially adverts. But conversations are pretty limited using words like Cola, Shell, Nike and Beckham.

The point of ripping into English?

So, the point of this deconstruction is to show that English is the global language of the elite, but it is the poor relation in everyday life global terms. And that means that the everyday blogger in most of the world, in fact, in 60-70% of the blogosphere, is talking about stuff in a language you and I have no clue about. And you know these people are talking a lot of sense in their strange tongues and have plenty to offer as food for thought.

So, armed with basic Spanish English French and German, plus Google Translator, I will bring a few blogs to your attention and let's see if we can't get a bit of global perspective about this place.