Sex and religion - ignite fuse and withdraw

Ed the Editor's personal blog corner

Update to an ultra obscure, poorly written idea.

Adam And Eve didn't get us off to a very good start and, rumor has it that when Eve blew her lid at God's sexist remarks, he decided to disappear from view. Since that day, people put different spins on what god really looks like and worse, they have has been fighting over whose invisible god is best. Maybe it is time for a great woman to go find god and tell him to show himself, so we can see who we are really arguing over, and once and for all put an end to all the religious based differences in the world.

How the world became godless

A short history lesson. God obviously made man inferior to woman, but gave us a dick so we had a little something to think with. At the penile presentation ceremony, the first woman got all uppety and said she wanted one too. God reminded her that she didn't need one. He had already given her the upper hand and designed it so her brain was placed neatly in her head, hidden from view, past her man's understanding, get over it already.

Realising she had been programed never to be satisfied with a simple answer, she insisted that God gave her a sexy female organ. Happy to oblige, for an easy life, He handed her a prototype (interestingly it was the same design that is still in operation today). She said it was lovely and would take good care of it. Not without sarcasm, he added that thanks to her new addendum, if She ever fell on hard times, She would always have a means to make money. That was the most ill-conceived sexist remark in the 5000 year creationist history of the universe.

My sources tell me that Her reaction was so ferocious that we have never seen god since that vitriolic outburst. Before he zapped himself into the ether, his lasts words were, "Bugger that, if that is the sort of ear-ache I can expect down here on earth, I'm off."

Ergo, thanks to the first woman, mankind has been forever debating and killing over hazardous interpretations of a god who has been in hiding since time immemorial from Woman.

Bringing back god requires a girly touch

God is supposed to be in charge of things overall, presumably for the good of the world. For the reasons I explained above, though, god is nowhere to be seen, and the world is turning to shit. As a modern man in a world abandoned by god, I look to science for answers and when that fails, I look to women daily. And in this case, I look to Lindsay Lohan or her arch rival Hillary Clinton.

To make the world a better place, one of these two role models needs to remove any doubt over whose god is best. I humbly suggest that they talk woman to god, to clear up the mess. If I may be so bold as to put words in a woman's mouth.

Hey god, stop sulking and forgive that first Woman for what She did all those years ago. She got over it within an hour of her first cash job, so should you.

Since you did a runner, all this faith and belief in holy spirits and non-touchy-feely concepts has done mankind no good whatsoever, and with all the arguing going on, we are giving you a bad reputation. Comb your hair, pluck your ears and show yourself, pronto, the world needs to know you. Try going to England first, they need help, and you will get a nice cup of tea too.

Obviously I am a dreamer, and it is unlikely that god will get an audience with a woman prepared to lower herself to frank intercourse with a man who ran at the first sign of trouble, but it could be worth a shot to restore order and peace in the world.

Is it safe to come out yet?