The time is upon us to look back in boredom at the important statistics for 2008. Sorry, but you know it makes sense. If you don't know where you have been, you can't work out where you are going. Trouble is, stats can be misinterpreted, and statistics problems abound.

Web statistics

The Pisstakers site has generated untold amounts of web statistics - but, first statistical problem: The volume of traffic is healthy, but how do the visitor statistics relate to the sad adsense statistics? Answers on a postcard.

Dui Statistics

Cheer up, tis the season to be jolly - but reading the statistics, be jolly in moderation. DUI statistics.

250,000 people have died in alcohol related accidents in the past 10 years.
Presently 25,000 people are killed each year in alcohol related accidents.
500 people are killed each week in alcohol related accidents.
71 people are killed each day in alcohol related accidents.
One American life is lost every 20 minutes in alcohol related auto crashes.

But what's that quote about statistics and lies? I don't drink, and I had a horrendous car accident a few years ago. A friend of mine just got dragged out of a wreck, with everyone involved sober as a judge. I guess we were statistically lucky!

Car performance statistics

Car manufacturers, especially F1 teams live for statistics. They will spend untold millions developing one extra horse power.

Hmmm. Horse, car, car, horse. Problem solved for a few hundred bucks.



Every extra horse power is most welcome, usually.

Take care everyone, and keep your eyes on the road tonight, not on the speedo. No problem.

As the year draws to an end, I dived into some archives and found a bunch of posts about boats.

Boat-buying tips

If you are thinking of escaping the recession, here's a tip. Read my tips for buying a boat. If nothing else, the tips should help you understand the nature of a woodie!

And if you do buy a boat, the best thing to do is to pack your vessel up with cool aid and hallucenagenics and sail off to a Pacific island in it. 2009 is not going to be worth living in the real world, according to the media.

Cool boat names

I thought the Campbells Condensed Sloop was quite funny, but that's me. Send in some more boat names to populate the small but perfectly formed list.

Boat charter

Or as we common folks say, Boat chatter!

See you tomorrow.

What's in a boat name? Lots.

We went around a few L.A. marinas looking at sail boats, but of all the multi-million dollar poseur vessels belonging to the rich and fatuous, this little dinghy raised the most attention.

Campbells condensed sloop

That smart name reminded me of another mariner's clever play on words, Cirrhosis of the River.

I am sure there are thousand more cool boat names, and if you know one feel free to contribute.

Did I say boat charter? I meant boat chatter! Here are a few examples of the banter that goes on in a boatyard - and you wouldn't want to charter a boat repaired by this first character.

Argument between two shipwrights

You don't know what you are doing. You are wrecking this boat.

[Irate] What do you mean! You don't even know what I am doing.

I know enough to know that you shouldn't be working on that boat.

[irate] I'll show you. I am going to ... to paint a swastika on the side of the boat you're working on.

Uh? Whatever. I expect you will paint it upside down.

Boat covers plenty of ground

I was standing chartering to a shipwright when he suddenly stopped mid-sentence and yelled "Oi, boat on the run!"

I looked around and sure enough, a big sailboat on a trailer was rolling out of a hangar on its own, careening serenely across the yard. Two lads were sprinting to get ahead of it and inches before it hit a really expensive boat, they jammed on the brake - the brake that one of them should have engaged in the first place.

"That was a close one," I said.

"Shit." said the shipwright, shaking his head in disappointment "Another few inches and that would have been some nice insurance work for me."

Clearly the art of ambulance chasing isn't restricted to lawyers.

Boat donations can prove expensive

A guy went to look at a boat that had been on a trailer outside a warehouse - a warehouse that had caught fire. At the meeting, he was led to believe that only one side of the fiberglass hull had suffered some fire damage, some fairly minor damage, but the owner was so distraught, he just wanted to get shot of it. The price was indeed quite juicy, and led the bargain hunter to think it was more like a boat donation than a boat sale.

Snickering secretly inside, he didn't want to ask too many questions, in case the owner upped the asking price on a very neat yacht that would be worth 6 figures after a quick touch-up.

When he towed it away, the nautical nutter planned on 12 weeks to sort out the cosmetic issues to his "steal", and get the boat back in the water, a fair few bucks ahead. Boat donation rang in his ears.

Boat with a cause - for concern

12 months and mucho bucks later, he finally finished the boat repairs and re-launched it, a lot wiser about the full blistering effects of fire on fiberglass. He is now a zealous promoter of boat surveyors, those experts who charge a fair amount for their services, but whose assessment of damage can save you mucho bucks and time.

Rock bottom boat prices

Before entering a boatyard it is best learn that BOAT stands for Break Out Another Thousand.

Typically, a boat repair takes twice as long as anticipated, which for most small jobs, even at $105 an hour is not going to leave a boat owner totally destitute. However, those involved in a major overhaul often find themselves in tears, openly crying or silently praying that the earth opens up and swallows them, before the boat swallows all their energy and cash.

Things can only get better, now we have hit rock bottom.

Definition of sailing

Standing in a cold shower pushing hundred dollar bills down the plug hole.

The number one search term this week on our Funny Celebrity News Swicki, is erm, Wombat. Wtf?

I have never heard of a famous person called Wombat. Have you? I know plenty of celebrities who deserve the affectionate name tag - You fricking wombat." but that is for another time.

Neither have I ever claimed to be an expert on the real wombat, a pesky Australian (is there any other type) marsupial with the reverse entry pouch.



So I was sat here scratching my own pouch, pondering why anyone would come here to use my Celebrity boiased Swicki to search out definitive explanations about the wombat.

What the wombat?

Looking down the Swicki search results, though, I stumbled on a site called Wombat, and after watching the Global Insights video through cynical eyes, maybe it does make sense to come to a humor site for wombatic insights? Save the world, take care of wildlife, be kind to the environment... what absolutely comical concepts in today's corporate race for resources. What do you think?

Web search bar

In case you ever get lost for options to search for all things wombat, there is a whole Web Search Bar on the Pisstakers.

So, pour yourselves a cup of wombat wine, put on your wombat shoes, nibble on a stuffed wombat Aussie burger and peruse the results from Google to Kartoo to Paid-to-search... (See, we try to be helpful in addition to playing el smart ass.)...

There I was trucking around the internet on my keyboard, when I stumbled upon Freaking News 2008 in Pictures - Despite Yuletide overload, the funny photo Christmas contributions from ardent Photoshop artists with a sense of humor actually made me look twice. Rudolf the Red Nosed Spaceman. Santanaut...



This funny photo Christmas review is so refreshing compared to the usual tired end-of-year review shows. You know the sort on TV:

The Funniest Celebrity Goofs of 2008; (like most celebrities don't act stupid normally?)

The Top Xmas Crap songs in History (don't they have to be crap anyway, to qualify as Xmas song?)

Worst Political Lie of the Noughties, (please, that should be called What politicians have said since 2000)

Yaw-awn

Christmas in Space is not only entertaining, but it is philosophically pleasing too. The further you can remove all traces of Christmas away from earth, the happier I am.

Fortunately, the Freaking News team run contests for Photoshop-pers with a sense of humor all year long, year after year. Check them out - after you have checked out Funny Photos on the Pisstakers! There are hordes of fun Flickr folk doing their bit to entertain you.

One of the most visited parts of the Pisstakers is the Funny Quotes page, and for what it's worth, if you Google "Funny Quotes of the Day" you will see yours truly flying high in the results. I have found and created quite a lot of funny one-liners, but funny enough to be number 1 or 2 in 158,000,000 results? Hmm, if you ask me, this is living proof that Google ratings don't reflect the true quality of humor sites on the internet.

Real funny quote site

If you don't believe me, go to the Grinning Planet, where you will see what I believe to be one of the funniest and slickest humor web sites on the whole internet. Totally organised, categorised and humorised, brilliantly written, optimised and now, eulogised. And they have some funny quotes too.

If you have a humour site to rival the Grinning Planet, let me know, before I put into practice the sage, if not dull quote, of a certain Mr Anthony Robbins.

If you want to be successful, find someone who has achieved the results you want and copy what they do, and you'll achieve the same results.

And if you know the address of a good copyright lawyer, I would appreciate that too.

Merry Christmas?



I had some disturbing news from my best blog hosts at A Small Orange.

Read all about why I am so happy!!!

Santa is dead

Sorry, kids, but there will be no Christmas next year!

With so many people forecast to lose their jobs in 2009, the contract to take out the bearded present bearer was over-subscribed. (If it's any consolation, no reindeer were unnecessarily hurt in the taking of this picture. They are sleeping, children!)

Christmas food news

Talking of disturbing news, I couldn't get a decent slice of toast for my English Christmas breakfast! Booooooo.

After road-testing toasted Hovis on Christmas Day, I am afraid to say that the quality of Britain's favorite traditional "proper" bread has gone right down the toilet. (And the toilet is now the best place for Hovis bread, if you ask me.)

It doesn't even look the same as I remember, and when you get it out the pack, it feels all squishy. And when you cut the head off you see that it is no more than glorified brown wonder bread. And when you start digging, all you see is dough peppered with unidentifiable hard bits - marketing spiel for healthy additives.

I suspect that the Hovis people have sold out to the demands of the supermarket chains, I mean, they have changed their recipes for the good of the consumers' health?

Well, your ploy didn't work, Hovis marketeers. I am never buying a loaf of your shite again - or at least not until you improve the mix. Come on, I need to spread real butter (not genetically modified margarine) on my toast without it disintegrating. And what's with the cat head?

This video should be about Christmas

If Google are as good as they say they are, this video should be relevant. Here's hoping!



Now that the important Christmas news is off my chest, it's lunch time - time to bake my own bread for a Xmas left-overs sandwich. Looks like it is going to be a late lunch.

I don't know about you, but this Christmas I will be giving thanks to Flickr! In amongst the funny stuff at The Pisstakers lurks a Funny Photos section. It seems to be capturing the public imagination recently, and its success is all down to the Flickr folk.

The public need funny pictures, but apart from an occasional lucky photo on my cell phone, I am a complete numbskull with a camera. The truth be told, I can aim and point OK, but I am a clumsy clod, and have broken more zoom lenses and lcd view finders than I care to admit to.

(For instance, this wheelchair one isn't mine, and you can tell because, it doesn't have a crack through the middle of it!)

Anyway, for one reason or another, I am totally reliant on the talent of others for a stock of fun photos.

Flickr photo galleries

So how does a talentless webmaster source and arrange funny photo material? Personally, I have sorted through Flickr groups who specialise in interesting and humorous photos. I then set up a photo display widget on my site, and left the Flickr pros to publish their original snaps like mad things.

The upshot is, my visitors get some great material, I don't get any credit for the photographic work, I hope, and the Flickr folk get visitors galore via the thumbnail photos. Win-win. And you are most welcome to keep the cycle going with a quick visit yourself!

Merry Christmas

So there you have it, the funny photos page explained!

Have fun, and here's an endearing (or is it enduring) image of the average UK Christmas Eve reveler.

Pubs shut early; no buses to get to midnight mass on time...bless!!!! I am sure he can hail an ambulance to take him along to A&E with the other binge-drinking Brits in need of a bed and a coffee.

This was emailed to me just before Christmas 2005. I nearly got it right too, which is surprising for someone who can't speed read to save his life. There is hardly anything to the question:

How many instances of the letter "F" can you count?

However, it does take a bit of scrolling down the page to reach the answer.

Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:


FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?


Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?

How many?

Three?





Wrong, there are six - no joke!



Read again!


FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.


Thanks to Parcel2Go.com for that interesting teaser.

Got any more word games like that?

'Tis the season to be nostalgic and I revisit some past tongue-in-cheek tech news and see where we are at a year on. As a heads up, the law still says email must be archived, a mail spam filter is still a must, and musty old inboxes are still full to overflowing. Oh, and my desktop is still a cluster full of icons.

Yesterday's funny quote of the day was inspired by a brush with knitting. Mrs Ed is washing wool right now in preparation for dyeing. I hope this isnt the raw material going into a pair of surprise baby socks.

Talking of which, what are you expecting for Christmas? Guys, if the wife says she doesn't want anything, don't believe her. As my old man says, Maybe they won't say anything on Christmas Day, but you can bet that one day next year all hell will burst like a fury from your wife and you will be reminded that you didn't read correctly between the lines.

You've been warned. Happy days, people.

Despite huge investment in public transport (3 new buses and a coat of paint on the London to Edinburgh express), the news about the vehicle transport situation in the UK doesn't make for good reading.

Car traffic congestion is at an all-time high, and in London, the average speed of all motorised vehicles is the same now as it was 100 years ago. Ouch.

The full vehicle transport news story is here.

Merry Christmas and be safe and healthy on the roads - there's an exhaust -filled smog cloud coming to a street somewhere near you.

I gleaned some information for this post from PhuckPolitics. He is a MyBlogLog blogger and friend of Ed. As you can imagine, I need friends, so why not join my MyBlogLog community. I used to do a small feature called MBL Sunday - my way of thanking bloggers for visiting my site. It (the feature) isn't revving up any time soon, but there is an old archive as evidence of a blog resumé wizard at work!

cheers

There's a Funny UST Scandal Avi Virus - well, it surfaced and got zapped last January, and our tech correspondent only just found out about it. The tech authorities around the web who frown on our satirical commentaries must be pleased that our tech news has been a bit thin on the ground recently.

There's a review of funny Bebo blogs, which are quite amusing, if I say so myself.

And there is an indecent funny video about Mastercard, as well as yet another perceptive funny quote of the day provoked by the news about shoes and Bush.

Have a happy stree-free weekend. No pressure, just a few days left for all the food to be cooked, presents wrapped - and catapault set up to get shot of Santa.

Currently my tasers are on charge, ready for the over-excited family preparing to descend.

And in this week's best late night funny news quotes, shoes took center stage. This is the full funny news about shoes

Any more funny quotes about Bush and the shoe incident, send them in. And for more short funny quotes...

Lest we forget, avatar toolbars are glorified binary, enabling users to create icons in their own likeness, or in the likeness of others. Zwinky is pretty lame, but some systems offer the capacity for avatars to get XX-naked, and some can be quite fantastic - in a lewd Lord of the Rings fantasy way!

Read all about the latest naked avatar news from Zwinky and Second Life and World of Warcraft.

But don't get too disturbed! Remember, no toolbar can force sober souls to deviate from the straight and narrow and create bare-fleshed icons - unless, of course, you want to. The disturbed amongst you should therefore check out a full range of Naked Zwinky posts from The Pisstakers.

Now, time for me to sort out my kinky Santa Claus avatar for the festive season.

Over in Nottingham, England, a bunch of naked rugby players rescued their club from certain financial ruin by posing for a calendar. It may have helped balance the books, but maybe it ruined their reputation as clean-living manly men. Oh, my sources tell me that they never had that reputation.

Dry comedian, Stephen Wright, had a short funny quote resurrected recently. It comes accompanied by a scary video showing the after effects of an idiot parking in the passing lane of a major freeway. Dont worry, I'm not into motor mayhem for the sake of it - there is a connection between the quote and the video!

Remember Dame Barbara Cartland aka Babs? You know the name but know nothing about her, or her work? Join the club. Except now you can read one of her most perceptive short quotes - and also see someone who took no notice of her sage words.

Breaking News

I hate Christmas, and being an on-line / email kind of guy, I rarely send real cards, much to the disgust of family and friends. But this year, I became a New man when I discovered MoonPig. They do all sorts of real (Hallmark type) greetings cards, which isn't anything particularly novel, but they have a killer option. You can alter the words and phrases to suit the person you are sending to, and...

Yes sir, you can imagine the fun I had with that, using the slick online MoonPig software to change names, and add personalised greetings and the like. And it gets better.

Once you OK the end result, the MoonPig team print and post the cards straight to the recipient - the same day or next day ,depending on when you submit the order.

It isn't giveaway cheap, at £2.99 a card plus a stamp, but the novelty value and the fact it is a bona fide nice card sent from the comfort of your sofa, I think it is worth it. Hell, if they can get me to send cards, it must be a pretty good idea!!! In fact, I was persuaded to pre-pay £20 (about $30 now!) and got an extra £5 worth of cards, so...

2 more people will be getting a card this year. Watch this space...

Funny Christmas cartoons, funny Christmas comics, whatever you call them, there are loads of good hand drawn "pictures" around the internet to make us giggle.

Here is a bunch of funny Christmas cartoons. It is amazing how resourceful people are when it comes to Christmas.

Little Timmy, who left a note under the Christmas tree. "Santa, if you leave me a bike, I will give you the antidote to the poison in the glass of milk I left you!" Brilliant.

I don't get this Christmas comic though.

Over at the Pisstakers funny cartoons there is a Christmas theme. Cheer up, it'll soon be over.

A closing thought. There are 8 slow days to go till the 25th. That's about 200 hours - I think there is an option to make the time go faster - go get prosecuted for anti social behavior and spend the time doing community service.

OK OK, the latest site renovation has taken place at no expense. Funny Quote of the Day has grown wings, so get ready to enjoy a new section of funny quotes.

There are new categories starting with Funny Short Quotes, and Funny Birthday Quotes and dare I say, I think they will be better than the usual barebones quotes you get around the internet. A bit of meat added, so to speak.

Check them out, if you like the idea of getting a new funny quote landing in your reader on a regular basis, why not sign up to our fancy x-fruits RSS feed. Many thanks folks.

Enjoy, and of course, any comments are most welcome.

Funny videos are only funny, if you aren't the brunt of the joke - or the person being injured!

To prove it, I found a video of a fat woman on a bike and her accident will definitely make you chuckle, you cruel people, you!!!

Ursula Martinez light my fire is a funny magic cabaret act that will astound you. Even if you aren't squeamish, the graphics are guaranteed to leave you tenderly touching your traumatised nerve endings.

Relax again to the spoof music video from Prep Unit Rappers from Martha's Vineyard. The clean cut gang will have you tapping your feet in no time, and help soothe your nerves after the Ursula Martinez flame fest.

There are loads of funny videos on this site. To add some value to differentiate us from Youtube, videos are usually presented with an accompanying dose of witticism from yours truly. But if you don't like reading, scroll to the bottom of most pages on this site for a funny vid, courtesy of Googletube. Have a good surf.

After much deliberation, a major over haul of this immense site is underway. Without further debate or cheer, a new department has been launched at Funny HQ !!

Ladies and gentleman and subscriber, I bring you Naked Sports, a funny view and review of Naked Cycling, Naked Horse riding and Naked Rugby.

There is something for everyone with a curiosity for sports activities minus the clothes. Vaguely funny, a bit uncomfortable, (when you put yourself in the subjects' shoes!) but not too distasteful!

To keep the theme going, the Ed heads in the Naked Sports department all link to various hilarious aspects of nakedness too. Naked celebrities, funny postcards with lots of skin, naked photos, oooooooh, the list is endless!!

Let me know what you think. Enjoy.

If you subscribe, hint, hint, you are probably aware that there is more to The Pisstakers than the home page. Here is a taster of new funny celebrity news posted around the site this week.

Funny Tina Turner and Naomi Campbell lookalikes. Subtitle, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

There are a couple of Eoghan Quigg X- Factor posts, where fantasy meets harsh reality.

I confuse James Bond with the cyber geek star of Leverage. Apologies to Timothy Hutton and Timothy Dalton fans.

Funny celebrity hairstyles where the pretty things (plus Donald Trump) get a bit of a mauling.

Here's my favorite this week - funny girl Jennifer Aniston gets them out for the wearers of neck ties. It'll take more than that to make me laugh,, which is why I thought Ursula Martinez deserved the chance to input some racy moves into modeling accessories.

And prompted by searches in the Funny Celebrity news Swicki (also in left sidebar), I found a list of Robert Downey Jr arrests. He is quite the character.

Enjoy! And if you find any funny celebrity news, please pass it on, I will try to make it into something to tickle the readers.

And if you aren't into celebrities, check out the faces of tech, or news or funny videos, cartoons etc

In the Pisstakers Celebrity News, read the full naked Jennifer Aniston story.

The former Friends star, Jennifer Aniston has bared all her assets for GQ magazine. Posing in the naughty naked nude, Jennifer Aniston was wearing just a necktie and an awkward smile. When asked for an open leg shot, she kept it together by thinking of the money and the celebrity news / fame revival opportunity.

Our Jennifer is always good for a laugh, but she is not as witty as our Marilyn! Marilyn Monroe quotes

A 500lb lady in a fur coat is overflowing two seats on the left side of a 50-seater jet.

Imagine the look on the flight attendant's face when Mrs XXXXL bellows out, "Is it me, or are planes getting smaller these days?"

Imagine the thoughts going through the mind of the flight attendant and 49 passengers, all dying to tell her the answer, but of course no one dared say a word.

That was until the captain announced that, according to the weight calculations, 3 passengers on the right side of the plane would have to get off.

Hey lady, either pay for 3 seats, or go flying on a motorbike next time!

I'm not sure that this stunt from Ursula Martinez is suitable for kids, unless you are from Scandinavia, Belgium, or indeed, Montréal, where standards are different. Let's just say, after watching this, you will be very aware of where you next leave your handkerchief or neck tie.


Ursula Martinez - The best bloopers are a click away

She sets fire to her tits, interrogates her parents, re-defines class, blurs fiction with reality, cures homosexuals, gives birth to penises, tells autobiographical stories, deconstructs performance and sings South London suburban flamenco - from high brow to low brow, from spectacle to confessional, from live art to light entertainment, Ursula Martinez produces solo and collaborative performance for theatre, site-specific, installation, cabaret, night club, film, television…… birthdays, weddings and Barmitzvahs!

There is plenty more where Ursula Martinez came from.

Gather round, it's Christmas, and Scrooge is in his element.

If you threw out your TV to save money and you haven't been keeping up with the news, hello, the recession is deepening.

Don't worry, though, it isn't all bad for everyone! In fact, unlike many of us turkeys caught out by the swift demise of the economy, Scrooge is one gentleman actually looking forward to Christmas. He has many reasons to be cheerful.

1 - Unlike the credit-crunched populace, Scrooge is not reliant on financial melt-down plastic to pay for groceries.

2 - Unlike the banking system, Scrooge is liquid.

3 - Unlike the banks, Scrooge also has a sharp eye for a financial opportunity. The penny-pinching tight ass is rubbing his grubby mitts together in gleeful anticipation of the chance to spend his hard hoarded cash. Reward indeed for being penny wise when everyone else was dollar / euro /pound foolish.read more

Many Pacquiao vs Oscar De La Hoya may be a big sell out fight, but in general, boxing as a spectator sport is in trouble. The days of crowd-pulling Ali v Foreman contests are over, attendances are dropping, TV revenue is falling, and blockbuster household star names are becoming increasingly thin on the ground. In fact the main claim to fame for boxing today is its influence on underwear - the humble shorts.

Genteel folk say thank goodness that such a barbaric sport (with more federations than fighters) is going downhill fast. Now there is an opportunity to sit back and watch some really noble and civilised entertainment - like girls fighting on Youtube and extreme fighters beating the holy crap out of each other, no holds barred.

Read all about the image of Extreme Sports from The Pisstakers library

Tobbaco is a universal product, but an impromptu web search took me on a crazy route to enlightenment about tobacco alternatives

U.S. can refer to America or it can be slang for "useless".

In America, the star of the relatively funny story coming up would be known as a Valley girl, in the UK, as an Essex girl.

So that we all feel included, and so that I can do justice to the star, let's affectionately call her U.S. Essex girl.

A while back, we went mad and agreed to go out for a drink with a couple of friends. The conversation was fun and interesting and grown up. I choose the word "grown-up" carefully, because the intellectual level plummeted when we were joined by a mutual acquaintance and his wife.

The newly arrived wife seemed very bubbly and good fun, but after about 5 minutes, Mrs Ed and I are looking at each other thinking wtf, what an airhead. She seemed to be 45 going on 13. By the end of the evening, I would have to downgrade even that cruel assessment by a couple of years.

US Essex girl likes pink

Someone said, "Hey look at the sunset, it is really pink and spectacular." U.S. Essex girl clapped her hands and squealed, "Oooh, awesome, look, it's all pink."

Erm, OK! Mrs Ed and I are looking into space trying not to get eye contact with each other. One false look and we'd have been on the floor laughing at the woman's ludicrous enthusiasm.

Moving the conversation along, someone else said they really enjoyed this time of year because of the longer days. Everyone understood that she was referring to the feelgood factor of light mornings and late summer evenings. Of course, U.S. Essex girl got the wrong end of the stick - again - and asked all enthusiastic, "So, what time did you get up this morning?"

Uh? It was like one of those awkward moments when a foreigner doesn't quite understand the question. "Giselle, where did you go on holiday?" And Giselle tries to look intelligent and replies, "Yes". You normally try to say something, so as not to make the Giselles of this world feel stupid. In this case, I was thinking, "I can't be bothered explaining. She's just fricking stupid!!"

The US Essex girl gets her head around menial work

Finally, someone was explaining how fascinating, (but simple) their job was. They conducted surveys of marine life on remote islands. The work sounded glamorous, but they insisted it was simple, counting seabirds and sticking tags on seals' ears. Everyone except U.S. Essex girl understood that her job required her to be methodical rather than brilliant. (If you ask me, it sounded like great work, if you could get it.)

Never one to miss an opportunity to advance the conversation with a valid or original thought, U.S. Essex girl squealed, "Oooh, that's so great, I do admire you, I could never do that sort of job."

You could feel the relief at the prospect of some valid chit chat. At last!

Wrong!

"Why couldn't you do that?" asked the marine surveyor, obviously bemused that counting birds could pose problems for anyone with more than half a brain.

"Ooooh, all that attention to detail ..."

For fuck's sake, how detailed is the menial process of stapling tags to seal ears? Does math get too complex once your bird count reaches double figures? Where did this ditzy woman come from? Was is it time for her to take her curve ball back to the left field?

The revealing truth about US Essex girl

On our way home, Mrs Ed explained that U.S. Essex girl was in faxct a typical valley girl, a concept I had heard of, but never experienced first hand before. She said that the species are famed for having, amongst other things, no original thought in their head, but they do have this incredible ability to perm the concept of "awesome" a thousand different ways. No kidding.

Thinking about UK Essex girls, I was about to ask if the lady in question also wore white stiletto heels, ever dyed her hair peroxide blonde, was promiscuous, loud, prone to verbal vulgarity, and socialised at downmarket nightclubs in large groups - but I decided to hold my tongue.

Do you have a pet valley girl in your town? Do share!!!!