Pisstakers try to find the funny side of serious world news. Enjoy!

If you thought retiring to a quaint rural area with cows grazing and wheat growing all around would be a quiet, fresh air experience, think again. It is common knowledge, at least amongst people who live in farming communities, that noise pollution and air pollution are alive and well in the countryside.

Air Pollution

Cows give off more CO2 than any other entity on earth and they don't do it silently or without odors. Farting and munching their way through precious grassland, millions of bovine bastards are killing the tranquility on earth and blowing holes in the ozone at a great rate. Even away from civilisation, deep in the Amazon, MacDonalds are making sure that ever more beefburger cattle release their noxious carbon dioxide and putrid fumes into the ex-virgin forest air at a quickening and frightening rate. Their signs should boast 90 billion burgers, 900 billion cubic feet of farts.

Noise pollution

I hear city folks shaking their heads in disbelief. How can idyllic rustic hamlets be noisier per cubic foot than most downtowns anywhere in the world? Answer me this, city slickers. When was the last time the earth shook and the air filled with the thunder of a combine harvester trucking down your high street? Ahah, you never thought of that did you. Farm machinery makes an almighty racket, it has to, to cover the sound of farmers' wives scolding the kids while they count the subsidy money.

The Drops

I am all for saving the environment, and will begin by eating a cow and then inventing an odor-eater to deal with my recycled beef. Oh, I forgot, there is already one of those embarrassing anal smell eaters - Drops from Toilex. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts racing through my pisstaker head after reading their press release. To be fair, I saw the guy on TV and he was so sincere, it would break my heart to score cheap points about the reference to "Great stocking fillers from Toilex" .

What is this Blog Day all about?

Thanks to soaped up Rob for alerting me to the great environmental October blog fest. I am not sure where blog tipping fits in, but if million write an environment-related post, apparently it will make the politicians wise up and the world will be a better place.

I am waiting for John Chow to make some remark along the lines of This is a scam, because all the links go back to one site and in a few months the so-called charitable site will be pimped out with non-charitable ads. Whatever! Maybe these people don't think like him.

American Idol judge, Paula Abdul, was allegedly pissed out of her tiny mind in front of the cameras recently. In typical US entertainer tradition, she is talking complete crap with enough conviction to make it sound like her bullshit is the truth.

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The North East is being buried under snow, if you believe the hype of the 10 o'clock news bulletins. Here are some words of advice.

Stock up on salt

Rock salt is an easy way to neutralize the effects of ice and snow on sidewalks. Sprinkle liberally and make sure you throw excess salt over your right shoulder. And don't forget to cross your fingers and make a wish at the same time. (I wish that news stations weather bulletins would close down because of snow and never re-open.)

Salt is also useful for killing the plagues of slugs that have flourished in the recent warm weather.

Don't shovel snow if you are out of shape.

Obesity is bad, but light exercise clearing sidewalks for elderly and infirm neighbors is not recommended by weathermen who don't really think about what they are saying.

If you do fear over-doing it by being helpful in snowy weather, then at least take out an extra bottle of aspirin with you. If you have a heart attack, this little pill will gain you precious time while the ambulances struggle to get to you through the piles of snow that other helpful neighbors have shoveled off the sidewalk into the roads.

Do not eat yellow snow

Perhaps old advice, but then, why break the cycle of decades of crap being circulated by trashy news stations who feel obliged to repeat the obvious at the first sign of snow.

This unfortunate Chinese dude had a pimple that ran out of control and left him looking far too unpleasant even for the Pisstakers photo gallery. After the operation that cost him 43 pairs of Nike trainers and all his shares in Walmart, he hopes to meet a beautiful wife and live happily ever after. He is obviously leaving the circus and will gladly take any work he can find. 13 is unlucky for some, but hopefully not for Lion Man. Thanks for the idea China Daily dot com

The US Armed Forces are stretched to breaking point. Not only are they fighting two wars, and losing soldiers left and right, but they are under pressure to expand their numbers to meet Government directives for more more more military. It appears they have been trying their best with ad campaigns, but even girls in uniform aren't attracting enough home grown squaddies.

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The homepage of the GoGirlGo website is disturbing enough as it is. The main message is to try to make a child move? There are no missing limbs or physical disabilities to overcome here. Just plain ordinary girls who won't exercise! If they spun the following messages as part of a sex education program, maybe they would move their fat asses in a happier frame of mind.

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British businesses are considered to be among the worst payers in Europe and only the Italians are thought worse, a new survey suggests.

Oh dear, now that is bad, to have the Italians as the only thing between you and abject failure.

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Remember the FBI sting where they sent free tickets for a basketball game to the home addresses of known bail jumpers. 100's filed in unaware. Moments before the "game" the agents revealed themselves and everyone was placed under arrest. Perhaps a similar tactic should have been employed with the NGO with pro-Pedophilia links - the one that was recently given official UN approval.

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