Weird Xmas presents from The Pisstakers
Dec06 Filed in: Lifestyle
When we say wierd, we aren't talking socks that come in packs of 10, and you get one of them; nor ties that will gather dust in a cupboard and will only be worn when the person who gave it you dies. Forget, handkerchieves in horrible unbendy clear plastic boxes, monogrammed with someone else's initials; and no, we aren't going down the road of scarves that were all the fashion in the 70's, or ill-fitting nylon jumpers knitted by grandma.
We aren't going to waste precious screen real estate explaining or justifying the minor weirdness of the gift of toilet water, the crap perfume that any decent, self-respecting street bum would drink in a flash, nor the tacky Santa sock-shaped chocolate selection boxes that kids eat in an hour and throw up in a second; nor as one person honestly gave, a half-eaten box of chocolates.
And no, there is nothing outstandingly weird about the boxes of dry Danish biscuits with one chocolate biccie that Dad always gets, or the even dryer shortbread shit in tartan tins, or the biscuits for cheese, no cheese provided.
We will also wait for another day to rip into the wisdom of pots of real strawberry liqueur jam or chunky Scottish whisky orange marmalade - gifted to alcoholic uncles. Yes, with suchwell thought-out and wonderful Christmas cheer from those delusional relatives who "don't see the harm in it" who needs enemies. Meanwhile the alcoholics in denial, the relations, give each other bottles of cheap Irish whisky, supermarket cooking sherry or port - 8 years before vintage - all hastily wrapped in that super-thin recycled wrapping paper with a bow sellotaped on top for festive spirit.
We weren't going to waste our breath explaining away the heart felt joy of receiving an iTunes gift voucher - the one we find in our junk mail on January 6th, and notice it was sent to us on 27th December - but we couldn't resist it. We also caved in quickly and have to relate the joy of opening a Boots the Chemist token, so we can go buy any of the above crap gifts ourselves in a January sale and wrap them up ready for next Christmas;. And as for Christmas number one's from Cliff Richard, towers of 100 cheap blank CD's, or three AA batteries with a note saying, "Sorry, Santa needed the 4th one for lights on his sleigh." deck those halls with boughs of holly - not.
No, the real King Kong of weird gifts at Xmas are the "donations to worthy causes made on your behalf." You have no input, and no evidence, except a pamphlet sent to you three weeks into February with a run down of how "your gift" is helping provide electricity for a community of lepers in Uzbhekistan.
God also works in mysterious ways when he moves close family members to send your Xmas present money to the darkest recesses of the planet to provide water - the stuff that falls out the sky free where we come from. And what is it with saving whales, seal cubs and sardines? Those suckers will be here long after we have died from eating dodgy seafood.
In the spirit of Christmas past, we are going to make a big donation to US, not US as in America, but US as in WE. And we promise to spend it wisely, spreading a little joy to a lot of people over the whole year. Yes, a strange concept that, not saving up all our goodwill to bring happiness to 10 people for just one day in the year!
We are going to invest in a snazzy humorous website that will make you feel good all year round. Even when the bombs are dropping, dicks are shrivelling up, hair is falling off in the bath or the plague of cockroaches blamed on Osama is descending on New York, we will find something fun to say.
And if all goes well, next Christmas, we will offer our happy visitors the chance to win a selection of the above crap waste of time ill conceived, let's make China even richer than they alreay are trash Xmas presents. How does that sound as a deal breaker?
The Pisstakers revamped - coming soon to a desktop, laptop or mobile phone near you. Happy bloody holidays, humbugs.
Weirder presents, but far from the weirdest.
We aren't going to waste precious screen real estate explaining or justifying the minor weirdness of the gift of toilet water, the crap perfume that any decent, self-respecting street bum would drink in a flash, nor the tacky Santa sock-shaped chocolate selection boxes that kids eat in an hour and throw up in a second; nor as one person honestly gave, a half-eaten box of chocolates.
And no, there is nothing outstandingly weird about the boxes of dry Danish biscuits with one chocolate biccie that Dad always gets, or the even dryer shortbread shit in tartan tins, or the biscuits for cheese, no cheese provided.
We will also wait for another day to rip into the wisdom of pots of real strawberry liqueur jam or chunky Scottish whisky orange marmalade - gifted to alcoholic uncles. Yes, with suchwell thought-out and wonderful Christmas cheer from those delusional relatives who "don't see the harm in it" who needs enemies. Meanwhile the alcoholics in denial, the relations, give each other bottles of cheap Irish whisky, supermarket cooking sherry or port - 8 years before vintage - all hastily wrapped in that super-thin recycled wrapping paper with a bow sellotaped on top for festive spirit.
Quite weird tech presents
We weren't going to waste our breath explaining away the heart felt joy of receiving an iTunes gift voucher - the one we find in our junk mail on January 6th, and notice it was sent to us on 27th December - but we couldn't resist it. We also caved in quickly and have to relate the joy of opening a Boots the Chemist token, so we can go buy any of the above crap gifts ourselves in a January sale and wrap them up ready for next Christmas;. And as for Christmas number one's from Cliff Richard, towers of 100 cheap blank CD's, or three AA batteries with a note saying, "Sorry, Santa needed the 4th one for lights on his sleigh." deck those halls with boughs of holly - not.
The weirdest Christmas presents
No, the real King Kong of weird gifts at Xmas are the "donations to worthy causes made on your behalf." You have no input, and no evidence, except a pamphlet sent to you three weeks into February with a run down of how "your gift" is helping provide electricity for a community of lepers in Uzbhekistan.
God also works in mysterious ways when he moves close family members to send your Xmas present money to the darkest recesses of the planet to provide water - the stuff that falls out the sky free where we come from. And what is it with saving whales, seal cubs and sardines? Those suckers will be here long after we have died from eating dodgy seafood.
A Pisstakers gift to the world.
In the spirit of Christmas past, we are going to make a big donation to US, not US as in America, but US as in WE. And we promise to spend it wisely, spreading a little joy to a lot of people over the whole year. Yes, a strange concept that, not saving up all our goodwill to bring happiness to 10 people for just one day in the year!
We are going to invest in a snazzy humorous website that will make you feel good all year round. Even when the bombs are dropping, dicks are shrivelling up, hair is falling off in the bath or the plague of cockroaches blamed on Osama is descending on New York, we will find something fun to say.
And if all goes well, next Christmas, we will offer our happy visitors the chance to win a selection of the above crap waste of time ill conceived, let's make China even richer than they alreay are trash Xmas presents. How does that sound as a deal breaker?
The Pisstakers revamped - coming soon to a desktop, laptop or mobile phone near you. Happy bloody holidays, humbugs.
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