We spotted this retired couple leaving the supermarket and I couldn't help myself.

Either these oldies are really hip or that is a golf cart to die for and they got really lost.

I am not great TV addict but last night I was watching the 1 minute comedy video contest on On the Lot and I was hooked and angry. What more do you want!

I am not remotely interested in these ongoing Pop Idol type shows where you listen to expert judges pontificating and planting seeds in your mind, before you are pummeled with requests to vote what you think. I know nothing about music, or dancing except I know what I like. Also, as I don't often buy anything, my opinion is almost worthless on the who's an upcoming star show. But after last night, On the Lot judges opinion had me thinking, if they are the voice of their industry, film making is doomed.

What is the Lot?

There are 18 videoclip makers trying to be amusing in 60 seconds of film. Fair play to most of them, they had a witty thread, the filming was really pro level and they all lasted 60 seconds. Then the whole show was spoiled by judges who wouldn't know what dissent was if it bit them in their conformist ass.

The judges failure to judge fairly

In my opinion, Carry Fisher was more offensive than the Southern boy film maker she was ripping a new one for. His clip, Get a room, involved a dork. She thought he looked more like a special needs kid, so she was offended. Maybe the part was miscast and if he had had the resources, the director could have found a better "looking" actor, but anyone could tell, surely, that the star of the clip was a parody of an idiot, not a direct representation of a slow or mentally challenged man. I took my hat off to the filmmaker for keeping his cool and saying, "It really wasn't that bad." ie as bad as Carrie Fisher was making out.

Judges 1,2,3 agree?

But that leads on to the main issue of judges who would not disagree with each other. Carrie Fisher was disgusted, the young zippy judge who obviously had a real talent for critique just went along with her, and then the director of Pretty Woman, that oh so hysterical movie (rolls eyes) actually was more politically despicable than anything he was criticising the film maker for. Call a special needs person, retarded? Huh, which school of political incorrectness did you get thrown out of?

Creative edgy film making is dead?

The whole show made me feel sick as I saw safe homogenisation and hypocrisy ooze from the screen. The Brit director was trashed, mainly because the judges didn't see dark satire as "Hollywood" humor. And the American reference to farting was "sophisticated" while the Italian's was potty humor? They liked the South African because it was sexy, whatever, it was funny but no more so than any other clip. And what was funny about the 360 degree special effects clip. It was "Star Wars" clever technically, but I don't recall dominoes, explosions and slapstick being that in vogue in comedy any more.

The judges opinions were not helpful, especially as they didn't like what was challenging. And for them all to always have the same opinion, sucked the big one. And how out of touch are they when they said, Oh, this would probably do well on the internet, but for a mainstream audience, no. Excuse me, film makers, you are getting swallowed up by the internet, or didn't you notice that? The show was quite a good coincidence, in fact, because I wrote only yesterday on Blog About Your Blog, about how video content providers are sitting on a fortune, simply because supply is dwarfed by the demand from Youtube and other users. Seems far better to go it alone than cow-tow to Hollywood.


I will continue watching, because unlike Pop idol where the judges are far better entertainment than the contestants, these film makers actually entertain, rather than pay lip service to what Carrie Fisher deems OK.

I have heard it all now. May 28th is year's end?

Dear Winner

We are pleased to inform you of the final announcementthat you are one of our end of year winners of theHP MICROSOFT LOTTERY ONLINE PROMO PROGRAMME,2007 You have therefore been approved to claima total sum of £500.000.00 POUNDS.

All participantsfor the online version were selected randomly fromWorld Wide Web sites through computer draw systemand extracted from over100,000 unions, associationsand co-operate bodies that are listed online.

Do I come under Union or corporate body? Neither. If there had been a few celestial bodies in the mix, perhaps I would have given this crap some credence. Back to work, and as you were, Ed.

With the way gas prices are these days, it seemed a good time to revive a post from earlier last year. I was going to update the numbers, but thought it better to resort to the safe tactic of remembering the "good old days" as a way to cope with current stress levels.

Gas Prices Tumble 14 Cents Consumer Affairs.com

Well, that certainly captures your attention. But I can beat that misleading headline from a recent consumer watchdog news page. After some selective research, I can categorically state:

Gasoline is up $2.50 . The Pisstakers dot com

I like being a pretend journalist. So just like the Consumer Affairs journo who penned his headline, I neglected to qualify my headline with an important fact. What I should have written was "Gasoline is up $2.50 over the past 20 years".

And what he neglected to say was "Gas prices tumble 14 cents in 2 weeks."

Now those headlines would have made more sense in their complete form, but probably not made anyone read on, thinking the end of normality as we know it had just arrived.

Being a serious pisstaker I also found chart of random useless info to back up my statement! But that is getting way too conscientious, so I'll stop right there.




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Mid life crisis test

Guys: If you ever wondered about the signs of a mid-life crisis, wonder no more. Take this mid-life crisis test and feel the truth ooze over you. Courtesy of VW.

Ed scored what appeared to be a healthy 5 out of 23 but this still indicated early signs of deterioration.

I blame it on the US culture, forcing me to say words like "Dude" and "Cool" in everyday conversation.

However there is no excuse for any 40-something anywhere when they consider themselves to be James Bond when getting in or out the car. And when grown men of any age cup their hands in the shape of a cell phone and say, "Call Me." it is all over - bar the breakdown and counseling.

Boob jobs unveiled

Gals: I don't want to sound defensive, but can we lay to rest the notion that boob obsessions are a guy thing! This is my research of myfreeimplants.com

Slightly confused by the concept, I went to the About Page.

The best part is seeing the newly transformed ladies after the surgery when they return to the website to post pictures of the results. You can take pride in knowing that you helped her improve her self esteem and self image!

OK, I think they are right about the positives for the ladies concerned. Good sense. It is also nice for men to help scantily clad strangers augment their breast size. And I agree, before and after shots are indeed a great motivator. Good work website master.

Some gazoombas

But now, check out these gazoombas, and by that I mean the huge laugh that we had looking over some inconsistencies in the site. Some excerpts:



* Is this girl a before or after example? And where can we get a pair of those boots?

* Hi I'm Jennifer, want a shot of my thong! Huh? Is this a before shot so we can see where her new boobs are going to reach? Scary. Or does she need a boob reduction so they fit tastefully inside her skimpy undies? I don't get it, Jennifer, but if it will make you happy, have $50! (Why did that offer sound so wrong?)

*And talking of money, check out the prices - or more accurately the difference in final sums sought by individuals on the front page. There is a lot of choice, of course.

You don't have to stop at boob jobs btw. These guys offer so much more in the field of cosmetic surgery options , assuming your benefactors can stretch this far.


*And still talking money:



What tremendous value for money! Have $1000, madam, I might get at least one good massage out of that investment. (Check out the atrocious level of skimpy blogging entries to see what I mean.) Aah, I misread message for massage. Still, the above statement still applies.

Conclusion

After reading through the details, let's get to the nub of the site message. Instead of donating money to save a kitty, or instead of adopting an orphan in Africa, or giving to the homeless, we are supposed to support a complete stranger's boob job?

Interesting concept indeed, and no doubt everyone will all attain their dream, hopefully minus the Ana Nicole Smith style repercussions. Having said that, I have one big complaint. Where is the section for man boob implants?

Human body language

In this test confused happiness with disgust and anger with surprise, (there must be a link there somewhere.) Apart from that, I managed to work out the micro expressions of the people featured.

This is hosted over at cio. Try it yourself and see if you could become a sharp interviewer, or CSI detective!

Thanks to Mike the Body (language) for this lead.

There are 315 countries in the world, so where do you start looking for a holiday destination? Norman Roberts gave us some good ideas with nations without armed forces! If you think that is a dumb point of reference, you have never been to Africa or the old East Germany where a good time awaits.



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We were watching one of those true life crime investigations. The story was a gruesome twist of jealousy murder and intrigue. One intriguing aspect was why did she not leave her adulterous husband instead of killing him? The judge would have given her all the money and property she needed. She didn't think of that angle, though, and instead went for the jugular.

Next scene, we hear, The woman runs over her husband 10 times. Someone tries to resuscitate him and his teeth came out in their hand. I went pale at the picture of this jaw lying on the gravel, and then burst out loud when my dainty wife with an iron stomach quipped, "Well, he was a dentist!" Like that made it alright, then!

After watching I don't know how many fix-it-upper and first-time-buyer reality TV shows, I cannot imagine the stress involved in moving home for some people. Obviously the producers deliberately home in on losers and basket cases, but this following scenario was beyond stressful.

Patience is a virtue, impatience is a crime

Picture, if you will, this woman who had a feeling she was meant to own a certain "dream home". She put in an offer but couldn't bear to wait to sign papers declaring her the legal owner. She persuaded the realtor to persuade the current owner to let her have the keys for a couple of days, so she could size the place up for curtains and decide on colors ahead of time. Sounded innocent enough.

Cue the cameras, and Mrs Nutter has called in the contractors to remove a huge wendy house from the garden. Not only do they film her as she directs the builders to dismantle something that wasn't hers, she had the fence removed so it could be carted out through the immaculate flower beds and off to the dump!

Then she set to work with sorting out colors for the living room. First color - remove the stone hearth, which she thought looked ugly. I couldn't bear to watch the rest of that episode, it was too embarrassing.

The long and the short of it was, the stress was off the richter scale for the buyer, who actually experienced remorse, the seller in a far distant land spitting fire and the realtor in the middle wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into.

This is another true realtor story that was related to me by the realtor himself. They deserve every penny of commission - once in a blue moon.

A little late in the day, but in case you didn't know, or can't remember back that far, the secret is now out: homo sapiens aren't the only ones capable of finding tools to improve the killing process. Chimps were spotted stabbing a lemur with a home made spear. Good first step on route to civilisation.

Next stage is to use the spear as a kebab stick, ideal this time of year as barbecue season approaches. The missing link will be completed when chimps run around in white chef's hats and yell at each other in Hells kitchen.

And how far can chimpanzees progress without any more human fertilization? Euh, gross but true. Men and chimps went at it together for 1 million years. it says so in the Telegraph, the UK newspaper of queens and politicians to the right of Adolf Hitler. They (the homo sapiens and chimpus chimpfantasticus) probably perfected a few sexy moves with so much practice, but I'm not going to go there with different terms for monkeying around. But feel free!

Everyone needs to earn money to pay the bills. Some want money for nothing, so they go work for the government, but most accept that you have to do something constructive 9 to 5. If you have no particular qualifications, what sort of things can you do to make, say, $20 an hour?

Construction

If you have a strong pair of arms, go work on a construction site. Fresh air, good conversation (Hey Joe dig that fricking hole already!) and the chance to get as fit as a butcher's dog.

Courier

If you have strong legs and a good pair of lungs, why not be a bike courier? City air isn't so fresh, and customers always want their parcels there before you have even picked them up, but it keeps you healthy. And that is why doctors like bike couriers too! In London, they call them "perfect specimens" - the courier pedals like a crazy man, unobservant driver parks up and opens their car door, bang, crash, dead courier and the only damage is a broken neck.

Earn $20 an hour on Ebay

If you have a fast internet connection, a printer and a nimble mind, try and follow Joe Caterasino's advice on how to make $20 an hour on eBay. Sounds kind of convoluted, and I ran out of ideas on what you can sell in bulk for $1 per unit profit, but it must be feasible and surely a decent option for many stay-at-homers. This pisstaker would die in the attempt though, as manual dexterity and packing parcels is about as appealing as eating glass.

Not Yellow pages

Don't try and make money delivering telephone directories. I did. Admittedly it was 20 years ago, but I ended up making $20 in a day, between two of us and had to pay for gas out of that too. Worker profile was the same as for construction worker or courier, in that fitness was essential, but man, the risks involved for a final paycheck worth diddly were unbelievable. "Nice bulldog, good, bulldog, down!" And running from a mad tenant of a condemned property, that was fun. And walking up 400 yard driveways to drop off one directory, fun all the way there, too.

Sex

To be honest, the easiest way to make money is sex. Just go the high class $10,000 a night route, that's sure to put a few bucks in your back pocket. And if you spread it out long enough between jobs, that would also equate to $20 an hour.

Got any other ideas, let us know.





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I am totally disgusted with this scammer. Trying to buy my personal details for a measly $500k AND 55 cents. Perlease, for $5m you can have everything there is to know about me, but for that paltry sum, (and what is it with the 55 cents?) my lips are sealed, Miss favour.

Dear friend,
I am very happy to inform you about my success in getting that fund.
Now, I want you to contact my secretary on the information below:

Name: Miss Favour.
E-mail: missfavourx2@yahoo.de
.
Ask her to send to you the total sum of ($500,000.55) US dollars in a
bank draft,
which I kept for your compensation. So conatct her immediately on her
e-mail:
(missfavourx2@yahoo.de) and send her the below information to enable
her deliver your bank draft to you.

1.YOUR FULL NAME:_________________
2.YOUR ADDRESS:____________________________
3.TELEPHONE NUMBER:___________
4.OCCUPATION:_________________

Regards,
Mr. John Kofi

Looking through Web Pen's blog, there is a lot of musical revelry. To join the rush, I am revisiting this post I did ages ago about ABC, a techno 80's pretty boy band. Whilst we can forgive them the winklepickers and big hair and the whole New Romantic deal, their song lyrics are unforgiveable. And no amount of passing time will change my opinion of that.

More sacrifices than an aztec priest

Standing here straining at that leash

All fall down

Can’t complain, musn’t grumble

Help yourself to another peace of apple crumble. Lyrics

Spending more time putting on their make-up than tuning their instruments, ABC pranced around to catchy tunes en route to a couple of UK number ones. They had one clever team behind them. The smoke and mirrors of marketing built on their prefabricated looks and also turned their lack of song-writing ability into a plus. They became famous for crap lyrics! It doesn't take much to make it big in "sophisticated" Europe.

This is inspired by a transatlantic flight on Air India, JFK to Heathrow. I would like to make it perfectly clear that it was a really smooth flight with impeccable service and very tasty food. And for $276, what more do you want?! But as a pisstaker, I am obliged to find the satirical content in a delightful experience.

Air India episode no. 1

Air stewardess: I am sorry, sir, we only have mutton curry.

The self-confessed white Yankee American passenger next to me paled. He had just ordered the bland chicken and made a point of telling everyone around him that his introduction to real Indian food was not going to take place on an airplane.

Fortunately, air travel broadened this man's mind very rapidly and he dug into a hearty meal and enjoyed it - really.

I was going to tell him about the time I challenged a chef at an Indian restaurant. The deal was that he couldn't cook me a meal too hot to eat. Let's just say, neither of us won, in fact we were both losers, me with my face and ass on fire and him bragging that he had made an inedible meal.

Air India episode no 2

Captain over intercom: The current time, ladies and gentlemen, is 58 minutes after 7.

Quite a few passengers were looking around in disbelief at the Calcutta captain's abject attempt at telling the time. A neighbor added, "For the benefit of those new to clocks, that means it's 2 minutes to 8!"

And when the plane landed at 7.68, this passenger was relieved to arrive safe and sound, sane and on the ground in one piece, stomach intact.

Thanks Air India for flying a pisstaker so far for so little with so much food and kindly service.

Had any heart-stopping experiences on a plane?

Government offices are required to provide translation services for almost everyone. Just point to the language of your choice on the list and the appropriate translator will be called up to represent you. Good news if you are patient, I suppose. Can't imagine Hicksville USA Social Security office being staffed by a tagalog speaker. Or maybe I am wrong. Try it.

Go into a Government building with a megaphone and holler chutiya, If anyone understands you, you will get a good kick. If they don't, you will probably be locked up under a different by-law: being loud and illiterate in a public building.

Anyway, without looking up in Google, do you know who speaks Tagalog? Mabuti suwerte.




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