Last night in a dark woody area of Germany, the Tour de Gonads cycle race started in earnest. Crowds of at least 3 turned out to support what many claim to be the hardest race of them all.

Erik von Zwei-acher yelped from his 27lb clunker bike, "The Tour de France is for wimps in padded shorts."

Few would disagree. After three circuits of these undulating cobbled streets and a quick sprint through a busy high street, the race would ruin more than a few pro cyclists' cobbles.

When asked why he took part, year after year, Helmut Schon, 79, answered, "Zis race has done me no harm whatsoever. After winning in 1975, my street cred shot through the roof. I have been the guest speaker at more nude conventions than I can shake a dick at."

When pressed about the winning streak that followed his first victory, he stuttered, "It iz a vunderful sensation, standing proud on a rostrum, presented with flowers and the Yellow G-string by pretty girls. The champagne uncorking can be a bit tricky, but I only lost one cork."

If you would care to participate in the pain, and have a competitive streak that would drive you to victory (followed by the adulation of sitting in an ice bucket for 2 hours), contact Helmut at his website. You can also sign up for the horse racing too. Slightly faster and bumpier than a bike ride, but your privates are cushioned by a luxury layer of skin over a bony horse's spine. Sign up, sign up.