There are loads of tobacco alternatives, but here are a few you may not have considered.

Tabaco

Well I'll be jiggered sideways. They don't even grow the dreaded weed in the Phillipine city of Tabaco. However the Phillipine government was all but hung out to dry for standing by as a series of politically motivated killings unfolded, including the murder of a guy from Tabaco City.

Tobacco settlement - not in Africa

The tobacco companies have no shame when they need to expand their customer base. One example of their cynicism is targeting teenagers in a bid to cultivate a smoker of the future. Now it looks like they are also targetting another great untapped and healthy demographic - mothers of children! Watch out if you are a woman in Africa. Tobacco is coming to a place near you to jeopardise your life in the future.

According to Mrs Tuwine, repressed African women are going to be bombarded with adverts to persuade them to partake of the evil weed. There is such a dilemma heading the way of impressionable young mothers hooked into the nicotine habit - Do I spend my Nestlé powdered milk money on cigarettes instead?

Good health effects of tobacco

And finally, there are health benefits if you mix tobacco with salsa! Seriously, the 12-piece OrquestaTabaco y Ron will lighten any mood and cast you into a cigar and rum fantasy music land without damaging your lungs in any way. It may wreck your vocal chords as you sing along with over-zealous gusto, but singing isn't cancerous the last time I checked.


Have you any insights into the tobacco industry push into Africa, or ever visited Tabaco or seen the orchestra in action?

Extreme sports are on the rise, mainly due to the decline of boxing. Image is everything, so here are a few contenders to represent the true image of Extreme sports.

Image of extreme fighting schoolgirls

I watched the hideous images of this extreme bout between the two teenage maidens beating the snot out of each other at school.

The bout was not particularly tasteful on several counts. Obviously it was lacking in La Hoya artistry. Also there were no ringside doctors in attendance, and thirdly, with all that bad language, sloppy dress code and out-of-control hair do, they will surely never be seen as credible icons? (On reflection, that never stopped people like Madonna, so I suppose they could be viewed as a good image for extreme sports fans.)

On the plus side too, at least the two girls put on a great fight show. Unlike pay-per-view boxing, it is hard to beat the price of that sort of free entertainment.

Extreme fighting

At the other end of the entertainment scale there is extreme cage fighting, where the image is frightening to viewers with a nervous stomach. Every competitor is highly trained, the look in the eyes makes you quiver, and to back up the aggressive image, every bout is actually brutal and bloody.

Yes, those guys fighting in cages offer real bang for your buck, as do the baying crowds of beer-bellied yobbos left breathless and pumped up at the end of the bout. Both fighters and fans are contenders for best image of Extreme Sports.

Extremely boring fighting - heavy-weight boxing

Contrast those two examples of high octane scrapping with the endearingly dull image of slo-mo lo energy heavy-weight boxing. Sat in a sports bar, chomping on turkey legs while watching the big fight, I was dismayed. Jeez, to think someone paid big money to broadcast two oversize barrels with broken noses lumbering around the ring, swinging and stumbling, trying to look like boxers. Not impressed, and I felt like asking for a proportion of my meal money back to compensate for the waste of eyesight.

So, in my experience,I would have to say that the image of heavy-weight boxing is - yawn TV, and if fight promoters are going to stay in business, they need to stick to la Hoya classy battles, or come up with alternative forms of combat.

A couple of fighting options

Pondering the possibilities of image in extreme sports, I wonder if extreme schoolgirl fighting will ever be the rage? Neat uniform, quoiffured hair, logos visible on fingers even when poked in eyes? Any volunteers? Coming from a playground at lunchtime - or a UK city centre at midnight any Saturday...

Or perhaps to improve the image of supermarkets and channel the violence in shopping malls someone should promote freestyle mall brawls. Insist that participants follow the supermarket dress code, a nice apron, to take home regardless of the result...To make it real for viewers, the fight winners get a 10-minute supermarket shopping spree. With the way food prices are heading, that is no mean prize. (A trolley full of groceries is probably now worth than Mike Tyson's net worth.)

Any other ideas to improve the image of extreme fighting?

And if you are bored, try watching the big fight Pacquoia v La Hoya free internet stream courtesy of Techsterr. That won't be boring and it won't burn a hole in your pocket either. Peace!

DC shoes

Having seen Bush dodge the Iraqi's size 10 anti DC shoes, for once, Sarah Palin did not skateboard around the issue. She said really wants to be president, now there is the chance of more shoes for her wardrobe... and so it goes on.

Designer shoes

As Mr Byrne, an Irish Comedian on the UK hit Have I got news for you pointed out. Judging by the lack of security, Bush could have been bombarded by the complete Imelda Marcos designer shoe collection before the Secret Service had got to him. Personally, I think the journalist could have launched the complete Saks designer shoe line too.

Dance Shoes

Maybe former BBC political journalist, John Sargeant, now a terrible contestant in the equally terrible Celebrity Come Dancing show would have had better luck than his Iraqi counterpart. He could have scored at least one point with his two left feet dance shoes.

Clarke's Shoes

On the back of this latest shoe-throwing incident, struggling shoe manufacturers Clarkes, have just relaunched an old model that was once the choice of millions of English schoolboys in the early 70's. A spokesman said,

"Recession, what recession? We anticipate tens of thousands of orders for our old Clarke's Commandos shoe line. We have streamlined the design for better thrust through the air. And for an extra $5 you get a homing device sewn into the toe."

The Clarke's reps failed to mention that the Commando was a kid's shoe line, so any wouldbe assassins will need small feet.

Despite huge investment in public transport (3 new buses and a coat of paint on the London to Edinburgh express), the news about the vehicle transport situation in the UK doesn't make for good reading.

Car traffic congestion is at an all-time high, and in London, the average speed of all motorised vehicles is the same now as it was 100 years ago. Ouch.

Personally, I like the beautiful color combinations you see in the snaking queues of highly polished cars stuck in rush hour jams. What about you? Does the slo-mo carnage inspire your artistic streak, or do you just want to tear your dyed hair out in frustration?

And I think 8mph around London is something to celebrate. I care about the planet - and I want a good reason not to buy a flashy 180 mph sports car. Plus, that $50 clunker bicycle will do at least 10mph, and as long as I keep pedalling, I should be able to keep ahead of the luxury cars I give the bird to.

PhuckPolitics Stumbled across a conference bike. My first impression of the 7-seater bicycle was, "This is an ideal mode of transport for Snow White's friends, but there's no room for Snow White?" I'm sure there's a joke there somewhere, probably to do with handlebars.

I was going to buy this bike, until I realised that it is no good for me. I don't have 6 friends.

If you have 6 friends, tell them about The Pisstakers!

Merry Christmas and be safe and healthy on the roads - there's an exhaust -filled smog cloud coming to a street somewhere near you.

PhuckPolitics is a MyBlogLog blogger and friend of Ed. As you can tell, I need friends, so why not join my community. I used to do a small feature called MBL Sunday - my way of thanking bloggers for visiting my site. It (the feature) isn't revving up any time soon, but there is an old archive as evidence of a blog resumé wizard at work!

cheers

What about this for a new screen play for a Scrooge movie script?

Scrooge says that charity begins at home. True to his beliefs, he embarks on his cut-price travels around the Western world with joke airline FlyMayBe. The miser is spotted dropping a few pennies into the hats of several new beggar men lining high streets in London, Paris, New York, Brussels.

Numbered amongst those penniless drop-outs outside empty stores are 3 clueless ex-directors - one from Woolworth UK, one from Tweeter USA, and the other one who ran the economy, Spain... Zoom in on the faces. How it must hurt a captain of industry to be in receipt of a scroogey donation, and a knowing wink from a person who knows you have no talent worth a fat-cat bonus.

Christmas present bargain hunting

Stepping over the beggars, and shuffling into the few remaining retail outlets still open, Scrooge spends hours picking through the racks for bargain-priced fingerless gloves. His wrists are too thick from counting all his money, so he plumps for a holey scarf instead.

Thinking of others, he thinks about purchasing an organic goose past its sell-by date, for Tiny Tim and his family. He asks the sales people, "Will you still be in business next Christmas, in case I want to return it?"

Some critics in the store question if Scrooge has made a mistake by not holding out on purchases till after the New Year, when deflation is forecast to really kick in. However, he is nothing if not a canny bugger, and he says he is betting that in January, President elect Obama is going to put an end to the spiraling deflationary ghost of Christmas present - by taking measures to keep inflation rising for many a Christmas future.

Finally

What do you think? And even if it doesn't become a blockbuster, do you think Scrooge is on to something with a Barack bail-out, or will Gucci be discounting their Gucci belts at 70% off for the forseeable future?

And if you don't know what Scrooge, Tiny Tim and A Christmas Carol are all about...

And now, for some mean Christmas spirited entertainment from Santa Stephen Colbert, patron saint of satire.



And really finally, if you don't believe in Santa or Recession, let me tell you that Slade have modified their Merry Christmas Everybody anthem, by updating the immortal shouted-out line "It's Christmas!" to "It's recession!")

Breaking news

In another nervous speech today, out-going President Bush announced that US auto makers will receive a $17.4 bn hand out to restructure their companies. They have till March 31st to avoid filing bankruptcy. Bush failed to clarify which year.

These measures were met with a round of applause from auto industry consultants, legal teams and other friends of the President.

Congress, which recently vetoed these financial hand-out proposals, booed and hissed as the President flexed his executive muscle and funded the package from emergency financial rescue funds (ironically approved by Congress for the good of the nation as a whole, not for the good of 1% of it.)

Auto makers failed to comment, too embarrassed to field simple questions like, "Since Lee Iacoca went cap in hand for a bail-out in the 70's, what exactly have you clowns been doing to get your acts together?"

US tax payers tightened their belts yet again, and prepared to go buy the latest Toyota and Nissan model.

When one customer was asked why the President's speech had turned him against buying a US-made car, he said, "8 years is too long for a president like Bush, and 8 years is too much to expect from the average GM automatic transmission."

In case you forgot, there never were any WMD in Iraq. However, since that fatally flawed assumption took root, Western governments have taken drastic measures to protect their borders - just in case any Iraqi shot put champions take an extra long run-up and lob home-made dirty bombs half way across the world.

TSA - which TSA?

One strategy from Washington was to launch a mass TSA recruitment program. Unlike the professionals traditionally employed at airports and seaports, the criteria for the new wave were:

1- agility
2 - a good pair of hands
3 - Nothing to lose.

Studies show that most new recruits were either taken off parole, off the unemployment register, or head-hunted from municipal basketball parks.

The new TSA were equipped with an ill-fitting uniform and a brilliant pension. Under oath, they promised to do their duty, and not to wear bling, drink coke 24/7 or talk with attitude. Stationed around the coastline, they enthusiastically followed their brief - to spot and catch WMD before they hit the ground.

Two years later, the results of an audit were unexpectedly poor. Surprisingly, morale was also low amongst TSA employees. Huh?! Hanging around chatting, looking skyward, a regular wage, great pension, no action, and the right to tell people what to do - what's not to like?

Obviously, the TSA didn't want morale to be low amongst the very people charged with keeping the public's morale high, so they swallowed the early retirement costs and ended the contracts of their most disillusioned employees.

New direction for TSA

The TSA made a quick call to Capitol Hill, and secured billions of dollars more tax-payers' money at their disposal. Recruitment officers justified their existence with a campaign to enlist higher caliber employees. Unfortunately the internal promotion memo got emailed to the wrong address. The next batch of candidates destined for the Transport Security Administration were recruited from the Tourettes Syndrome Association.

With the country plunged into one false red alert after another, a distraught spokesman from the TSA gabbled,

"Our new people were fine for the first few minutes, but then without warning, fucking embarrassing mayhem broke out at the shitting airports around America. Basta.."

The correctional TSA program

In a knee jerk reaction to this terrible misunderstanding, the government launched a massive dis-information campaign. With the spotlight back on Iraq, they quietly re-employed those tens of thousands of gainfully unemployed American brave hearts previously released from their TSA contracts.

WMD

The TSA had the manpower now, but they still needed to turn things around in the name of national security. They struck at the heart of the terrorist problem. Chanting a new rap lyric, "Yo, go get tha potential enemy within, ya!" they descended on airports and gave all exiting air passengers a hard time.

That plan failed too. Rifling indiscriminately through baggage and shoes, they found plenty of dirty undies and smelly socks, but no dirty bombs.

Told to be more selective, they started to single out terrifying octogenarians, anyone with a swarthy Middle Eastern look, youths with unfashionable belts - and math teachers.

But years later, there are still no statistics to show how many, (if any) killer 80 year-olds or Osama look-alikes, the TSA have caught. However, according to Thoughts 'n Quotes, they have caught at least one math teacher up to no good.

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General saidhe believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identi fy the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

Everyone can relax now. The world is safe again .

Do you have any other funny stories related to the jovial topic of terror? Send 'em in.

Lance Armstrong announced his return to the most grueling cycle race on earth.

In France the news was greeted with a shrug. They are confident that Richard Virenque, a former drug taker, will return too, and win fair and square - with 14 stage wins, all from solo breakaways at kilometre 2 of each stage.

The Germans were spurred into action and defrosted the best runner-up in TDF history, Jan Ullrich. He has been kept on ice and injected with a new wonder drug, code name Mein Kampf. The extract of humble pie will help him overcome the depressive condition caused by continually arriving in Paris behind Armstrong.

The Tour de Gonads team, comprised of daring naturist pedlars, are ambivalent about the returning hero. The hard men of cycling with 3" thick callouses on their privates, say he is a light weight figure in the fight for healthy testicles. They advise him to try cycling 3000 miles with no shorts, and then they might listen to what he has to say.

Do you think Lance can keep it together in the Tour, or will he be a shadow of his former self without the support of those heroic medics from US Postal, who kept him pumped and able to deliver the goods seven years running?

Gather round fro some fun, but beware, nailguns, nails and hammering devices are dangerous in the wrong hands. Some of this footage is distasteful!

German construction workers are renowned for their efficiency, but I bet you never realised that Kraut carpenters have a very special knack with a hammer! 30 seconds into this clip, you will see what I mean.



5 stars for that! We are having trouble at home with nails popping out the ceiling, and I definitely want one of his hammers in my tool bag.

For the squeamish, check out this Ukrainian carpenter. This is what happens when a nail gun misfires and shoots a nail into the back of your hand.



It is too late for a hammer, mate, you need a pair of pliers!

Wasn't he calm! He only started to panic once the filming stopped. It wasn't delayed shock that set him off, but a reaction to his boss' s threat to deduct the cost of the nail from his pay packet. Apparently, the boss retracted his threat when the carpenter threatened him with a video called Nailgun the Kitten to the Wall.




Nasty nailguns Although it is very unpleasant viewing, no animals were hurt in the making of this video.

The same can't be said for a kitten involved in a gruesome nailgun case in Australia. The little bundle of innocence was consumed by a pitbull. The dog then started ravaging a couple of women in the street until a tradie shot it to death with his nail gun.

The headlines were "attack dog nailed by a construction worker. but his heroics weren't appreciated by everyone. The dog's owner was distraught by the death, later confirmed as rust poisoning. And the owner of the kitten was upset to learn that within a few gruesome minutes, their pet had first been eaten whole and then turned into a pin cushion.

I think the tradesman was right to be proud of himself, acting so quickly and effectively, getting rid of a cartridge of rusty fixings in a good cause. And he earnt his crew a ton of extra work from the free advertising. It wasn't all bad was it!

Got any more nail gun horror stories?