In case you forgot, there never were any WMD in Iraq. However, since that fatally flawed assumption took root, Western governments have taken drastic measures to protect their borders - just in case any Iraqi shot put champions take an extra long run-up and lob home-made dirty bombs half way across the world.

TSA - which TSA?

One strategy from Washington was to launch a mass TSA recruitment program. Unlike the professionals traditionally employed at airports and seaports, the criteria for the new wave were:

1- agility
2 - a good pair of hands
3 - Nothing to lose.

Studies show that most new recruits were either taken off parole, off the unemployment register, or head-hunted from municipal basketball parks.

The new TSA were equipped with an ill-fitting uniform and a brilliant pension. Under oath, they promised to do their duty, and not to wear bling, drink coke 24/7 or talk with attitude. Stationed around the coastline, they enthusiastically followed their brief - to spot and catch WMD before they hit the ground.

Two years later, the results of an audit were unexpectedly poor. Surprisingly, morale was also low amongst TSA employees. Huh?! Hanging around chatting, looking skyward, a regular wage, great pension, no action, and the right to tell people what to do - what's not to like?

Obviously, the TSA didn't want morale to be low amongst the very people charged with keeping the public's morale high, so they swallowed the early retirement costs and ended the contracts of their most disillusioned employees.

New direction for TSA

The TSA made a quick call to Capitol Hill, and secured billions of dollars more tax-payers' money at their disposal. Recruitment officers justified their existence with a campaign to enlist higher caliber employees. Unfortunately the internal promotion memo got emailed to the wrong address. The next batch of candidates destined for the Transport Security Administration were recruited from the Tourettes Syndrome Association.

With the country plunged into one false red alert after another, a distraught spokesman from the TSA gabbled,

"Our new people were fine for the first few minutes, but then without warning, fucking embarrassing mayhem broke out at the shitting airports around America. Basta.."

The correctional TSA program

In a knee jerk reaction to this terrible misunderstanding, the government launched a massive dis-information campaign. With the spotlight back on Iraq, they quietly re-employed those tens of thousands of gainfully unemployed American brave hearts previously released from their TSA contracts.

WMD

The TSA had the manpower now, but they still needed to turn things around in the name of national security. They struck at the heart of the terrorist problem. Chanting a new rap lyric, "Yo, go get tha potential enemy within, ya!" they descended on airports and gave all exiting air passengers a hard time.

That plan failed too. Rifling indiscriminately through baggage and shoes, they found plenty of dirty undies and smelly socks, but no dirty bombs.

Told to be more selective, they started to single out terrifying octogenarians, anyone with a swarthy Middle Eastern look, youths with unfashionable belts - and math teachers.

But years later, there are still no statistics to show how many, (if any) killer 80 year-olds or Osama look-alikes, the TSA have caught. However, according to Thoughts 'n Quotes, they have caught at least one math teacher up to no good.

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General saidhe believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identi fy the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

Everyone can relax now. The world is safe again .

Do you have any other funny stories related to the jovial topic of terror? Send 'em in.

The authorities are piecing together the movements of high flying but mal-intentioned Indian doctors who have been infiltrating the UK, Australia and possibly America, in order to perpetrate dastardly bombing deeds. But there is a worse threat going on almost unnoticed, until now - bodysnatching.

Watch the CBS news report very carefully at the point UK premier, Gordon Brown, is announced. Under the nose of top security experts at Downing Street, these renegade doctors have managed to snatch the PM and transpose every ounce of Brown's British being into the body of an Aussie leader.

Most scary is the lack of lip synching, because of all the things the docs could have improved, Brown's diction was it. Be afraid bonny boys and girls, nothing is as it seems these days.

Just a quickie about these video snippets: are they loading OK for you? Let me know your experience as a user. Thanks. On with the show.

Tags: bodysnatchers, Gordon Brown, Glasgow

According to Spanish newspaper, El Mundo, three men with Spanish accents broke into a camping store near Strasbourg and stole rucksacks, sleeping bags and most disturbingly, a bunch of lighter fuel tablets. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

The store owner is bemused. He said they could have bought the supplies at any store in Europe, without causing a stir, and he was running a 10% discount day anyway, wtf!

The manufacturer of the fuel tablets says that one tablet could boil water for 9 minutes. Wow wee, not. I once took a tablet that boils heads for hours.

The authorities are saying the contraband could be used for incendiary devices. Like a BBQ?

The press are saying these guys are ETA because they had Spanish accents, and they stole because their organisation has no funds.

ETA are wondering what all the fuss is about. They already have their bombs in place for the next attack, have several million euros from El Gordo lottery win last Christmas stuffed away under the bed. And hey we are Basque, not bloody Spanish.

And El Mundo is a reliable paper?


We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase Cadillac CTS ad or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!

Tags: France, Basque, el Gordo, el mundo

County Down is in the news again on The Pisstakers, this time with the discovery of a grenade. More disturbing than the potential danger to local tourists, is the explanation gabbled out by the local councillor. Imagine the Irish tinker gangster played by Brad Pitt in Snatch.

As I understand it someone discovered it just about four o'clock and it's possible with the wrecks that's been over there for a number of years that this just happened to come along.

In the words of the perplexed London gangsters listening to the brilliant dialog from Pitt, "What the fucking hell did he say?" It just happened to come along? What, it decided it was time for a walk? Just jumped out the box of grenades and rolled along the beach to see if it could blow some legs off.

I think they had better pick a better spokesman next time, ie, someone who can allay all fears rather than raise serious doubts about mobile man-hunting grenades.

Are you having trouble opening a bank account?


Are you getting the rubber glove treatment every time you fly out of the country?

Does the phone ring at unexpected times and you get talked to in Arabic till the caller hangs up, realizing you haven't got a clue what they are talking about?

Have you ever tried to rent a room and been refused for no apparent reason? And the list goes on.

Have you gone for flying lessons and the instructor looked at you funny before teaching you to land before you could even take off?

Ever sold a hot dog and ended up in jail even though your hygiene standards are so high they would make MacDonalds seem like a toilet that backed up in 1984 and hasn't been rodded since?

Did a friend at the treasury advise you not to cut Mel Gibson's hair, unless you wanted to risk interrogation and incarceration and a huge fine?

If you answered yes to any of the above scenarios, your name or your customer's name is probably Abdul, Diaz, Lopez, Lucas, Gibson, or Patricia!!

Thanks to Abandon All fear for the link to an original and serious article which I somewhat satirised!