Every aspect of a flight in a 50-seater jet evokes the term "compact". In comparison to a 747, it is a tiny little plane. It is ideal for short-haul, in-and-out speedy travel. Imagine the look on the flight attendant's face when a 490lb lady in a fur coat bellows, "Is it me, or are planes getting smaller these days?"

There was a queue of people dying to tell her the reality of her weight issue, but in America, telling the truth would be deemed as rude, so no one said a word.

Three days later she checked-in at a different airport, weighing a sprightly 522lbs.

The airline had been fighting noise from the accountants to start charging large people for 2 seats instead of one. Assessing the situation and the woman's size and condition, a ticket guy made it clear what he thought of that sort of victimisation of largies. He charged her an excess fare to cover the allocation of 3 seats.

Maybe she should go by motorbike next time!

Fox News say: A Web site called Postapoo.com is urging Scots to send plastic poo to the Englishmen they hate on April 23, St. George's Day (England's national holiday), Sky News reports.

This stinks of nationalism and poor reporting gone mad. The Scots hate the English, and...? So what, we all know that, but Fox News and Sky don't.

Also, it sounds kind of funny, the idea that big brawny Braveheart Scotsmen and women would reduce themselves to scooping plastic feces into an envelope to get back at an Englishman on St George's Day.

Why don't they deliver the poo in person? Helloooo, I come bearing gifts, ye sassenach bastard. Answer, because such demeaning behavior would reflect badly on them, and detract from their argument that they are responsible enough to run their own affairs without any help.

Nationalism is a stinky business.

This story from the Cincinnati Enquirer is disgraceful. How could anyone be so dumb as to go to a Walgreens to sell a baby? Surely Oilily would have been a better bet! As they say, to get the best price you need the best class of customer.

Major headlines, woo hoo. Italians found creaming off millions of public money. That was hardly news, if you follow politics or Italy.

It turns out that the authorities finally twigged about a fraud that has been going on for 10 years. I guess it is better late than never to catch up to the idea that not all politicians are straight! And Italians left to their own devices in Euro HQ, what a recipe for disaster.

Bob Woolmer, coach of the Pakistan cricket team, has been murdered and everyone in his team is a suspect. It is like an Agatha Christie novel, with plenty of motive: money from match-fixing!

Know nothing about cricket?

The video should give you a clue about bowling (pitching) batting, and field placements in cricket - plus an insight into how massive the game of cricket is for spectators in India, Pakistan, Australia....
It isn't played in many countries, but cricket is still one of the biggest spectator sports in the world. It has a reputation for being slow, boring, arcane and a waste of a good summer's day. Maybe that is the case in genteel England, but everywhere else, fans and players have a blast, and now there is some murdering in the mix too, what more do you want?

Woolmer murder most foul

I couldn't believe it when I read that Woolmer, last seen coaching Pakistan had died of a heart attack. He wasn't that old. I nearly fell off my chair when they said he had been strangled.

The BBC report: Woolmer was found strangled in his hotel room...

The chairman of the Pakistan Cricket Board, Dr Nasim Ashraf, said Woolmer sent him an e-mail after the defeat announcing his retirement.

Members of the International Cricket Council's (ICC) anti-corruption unit have arrived in Jamaica and are looking at the Ireland game.

If you follow the rise of money and gambling in cricket, you might see why he was killed.

Money in cricket

Once played by gentlemen in England, Australia, and other low population countries like India and Pakistan, cricket was metamorphosised into a big money business by an Aussie called Kerry Packer This was back in the 1970's. Imagine the shock when the then England captain, Tony Greig, defected to play pay-per-view cricket played under floodlights by tubby guys in colored pyjamas. And a white ball. My god, the Brits were coughing up bile into their gin and tonics, thankful that Tony Greig was in fact a South African, if you went back far enough down his family tree!

Advertising revenue in cricket

Of course the concept of earning decent money from a popular sport followed by tens of millions of avid fans eventually took off. Packer and Greig sold their version of sexed-up cricket to TV around the cricketing globe, and alerted bona fide opportunists to the commercial possibilities of high profile advertising. All the banks, and bat suppliers involved made a fortune when logos were incorporated into cricketers' kit. Names were painted into the pitch, or super-imposed onto the camera to look like theywas painted onto the grass. Sunglasses and white sunblock became de facto fashion accessories, especially in Australia.

It was also shocking to some traditionalists when players started to benefit financially. Suddenly, they could command as much as twice what they were earning out of season as traveling salesmen, butchers and teachers. They gave up their day jobs and professionalism was born!

Gambling in cricket

It may come as a shock to many US readers, but isn't illegal to bet in most of the Western or cricketing world. However, it is illegal to rig results. Unfortunately, the rise and rise of money in cricket alerted illegal gambling syndicates to do just that. Match-fixing reared its ugly head.

India and Pakistan were the culprits, right? Nah. It first came to light when the South African cricket god, Hanse Cronje, the equivalent of Babe Ruth, was caught fiddling results. He used to earn a fortune in kick-backs from gamblers. It is mind-blowing though how he, or anyone for that matter, can manipulate a game of cricket, and not be exposed.

How to match fix in cricket? No idea!

Cricket is played by 22 guys, (11 a-side) and only 13 are playing together at any one time. It is played over 5 days. Every move is watched by 3 eagle-eyed 3 umpires, and umpteen TV commentators with lenses that can see the spores on the grass. They have slo-mo to die for and they analyse every move. It is inconceivable to a normal viewer how even the great bowlers can be skilled enough to pop the ball in the exact spot at the right speed so another great batter can get himself out - without anyone being suspicious. And do that 11 times to swing and win a match? Mind-blowing.

But somehow Cronje and Aussies and then Pakistanis, Indians, and Brits have all been charged and found to be manipulating games for the benefit of gamblers. Imagine if they played cricket in China, I bet they would have perfected the art and never got caught.

Woolmer murdered for complicity or not playing along?

Whatever the process might be for staging a result, now we have a death in the cricket gambling mix! And Woolmer was quite a big name to go down amidst scandal. A mini legend in his sport, the dead coach to Pakistan was a former England player. He repeatedly scored a ton of runs against Australia, in the days when Aussies hammered every (rather than nearly every) opponent in their path. He was a clever tactician who revolutionised coaching with the use of computers. He was a nice quiet unassuming guy.

The little boy in me who used to watch Woolmer sock it to Lillee and Thomson says, please don't let it turn out that he was murdered because he was creaming gamblers' takings.

I guess as an adult with a sense that everyone should do the right thing when it comes to money, please let it be proved that he was killed because he wouldn't go down that illegal route.

I hope too that he wasn't throttled by one of his team, who to a man, didn't mumble a word of discontent when they got trounced in their last game before he died. Let's hope that after going down to Ireland, that they were shell shocked at how they got beat, despite trying their best. It would be a shame if they were quiet because they were mentally counting their winnings from smoking Joe, head of the Jamaican branch of illegal Gambling Anonymous.

Wanted American Job ???

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6am. While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in Korea).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India) he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in India) he got in his car (made in Germany) filled it with gas from (Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB .

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil)
poured himself a glass of wine (made in France.! France!! ) and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA...

(Doing the rounds of email land - with a little corporate link love of our own thrown in.)

The BBC came up with a disturbing story about a criminal evading justice. Usually it is a deranged judge with weird attitudes to child abuse or religion who lets bad people go. Yesterday, though, a criminal's friends stepped in and saved the courts from confounding us all and letting the wrong one off.

A man in police custody escaped after three men armed with knives attacked a security van outside a court, Greater Manchester Police have said.

Nicole Martinelli for Wired News says: Researchers (in Milan) are investigating the subjective acoustic qualities of church architecture in one of the most extensive scientific inquiries yet.

Sounds like a load of irreligious twaddle from the land of Popes, Pavaroti and delicious ice cream. I am no acoustic scientist, but when you pray to the white porcelain god, the sounds of release from drink-induced sickness reverberate better than in any cathedral.

Off with their heads

The BBC's Indonesia correspondent reports:

A court has sentenced three Muslim militants to jail for beheading three Christian schoolgirls in Central Sulawesi in 2005.

Pretty gruesome incident all round. Good job those unpleasant chaps didn't commit their atrocities in Saudi Arabia or Iraq, because they would have had a dose of their own medicine from the only courts that execute murderers by beheading!

Barcelona school room loses its roof

Barcelona is the capital of Catalunya, the richest region in Spain by miles. They pride themselves on their level of education and attention to detail. How embarrassing to have reports (in Spanish) of a classroom roof collapsing, and then a further report that the walls are starting to crack. No doubt the Madrid government will take great delight in offering the breakaway state a few euros to put it right.

The BBC report: Football Association will contact Tottenham after a fan ran on to the pitch at White Hart Lane and aimed a punch at Chelsea's Frank Lampard. The incident, which the FA described as "totally unacceptable", occurred after Chelsea beat Spurs 2-1 in Monday's FA Cup quarter-final replay.

This was probably Fat Frank's personal trainer taking out his frustration at just how bad that athlete's dieting program is going. If anyone cares to remember the England World Cup fiasco, Lampard was the dough boy who passed the ball back to the opposition goal keeper, in the disguise of a killer shot, at least 7 times a match.

248-dimension maths puzzle solved

So much for progress. The big news in mathematics is the 4 years' of work expended on a formula discovered a century ago. Perhaps for their next project, the brain boxes could explain the secrets of pie-assed squared, or explain why the student got a zero for his answer.

UK inflation rate hits 2.8%

Lies damn lies and statistics?

Again the BBC say, On the Consumer Prices Index (CPI) measure, inflation in February was 2.8%, up from 2.7% the month before. The figure - pushed up by increases in air passenger duty and thus air fares - remains well above the Bank of England's 2.0% target for the CPI.

It should say, inflation is up by 2.7% for the majority and gone up by 2.8% for a handful of UK elitists who flew every day of February.

According to Reuters, scantily clad Hooter waitresses serving spicy wings and weak beer are going to ply their trade in Hooters, Tel Aviv. Oh shock horror, I hear you cry. Sorry, perhaps it would have been more accurate to say the Hooters girls wear low cut blouses rather than Hooters girls are scantily clad. Don't want the good folks of Israel to think they are going to get their fried food served by a greasy poled exotic dancer.

Hooters destined to fail or fly?

Call me old fashioned, but although the concept seems to go against the religious beliefs in that area, Hooters will fly! The male Israeli and Palestinian is the same as the curious US male or Chinaman. Sexiness sells. And please don't tell me the average customer at a Hooters USA is a nuclear family. Not that families don't darken the doors of that sinful debauched hell, but all sorts of folks partake of a buffalo wing and Bud, because them girls aren't sex on a stick by any means. How can they be, covered from the toes up in inch-thick latex hose?

No, given time Hooters girls will be doing a great trade in the Holy land, with dollar bills stuffed down their fronts and various religious books under their arm, with carefully selected phrases highlighted to prove that they aren't sinful.

There was a tragic case in the UK where a mother was accused of murdering her babies, held for 3 years and then acquitted. I just cannot imagine the machinations that must have gone through that poor woman's mind during that period of her life.

However, it is obvious want went through Sally Clark's mind when she reached the end of her tether and ended her life yesterday. Sleep well, judges.

According to the BBC, US federal appeals court has ruled that a California woman who uses marijuana to ease a number of ailments can be prosecuted on federal charges.

What a sick state of affairs in more ways than one. Judges are essentially snorting at the idea that a doctor might know better than them about what is and isn't medically valid treatment for a dying woman. When you think how potent prescribed methadone is, or unprescribed solvents, their whole thinking seems fatally flawed.

The woman does have a few options, however. She could go to jail, end up in intensive care.and then have thousands of public dollars spent on keeping her alive with drugs that don't work. Or she could emigrate to a country where cannabis is legal. ¿Hablas español?

The Pisstakers is a nuclear drug-free zone, but just for a bit of fun, match the drug with the relevant bar on the graph. The one on the left is the worst for you.

Heroine - Khat - GHB - Alkyl Nitrate - Cocaine - street methadone - alcohol - cannabis - tobacco - Anabolic Steroids - solvents - barbiturates - ketamine - amphetamine - buprenorphine - 4-MTA - methylphenydate - Ecstasy

The answer is here. on the BBC website.

The drugs quiz started a theme! The Brits really need to make up their minds over cannabis. According to the BBC, shock horror, they have uncovered a lot more cannabis farms in the last 2 years, and make that out to be a bad thing. Surely, if they had remained hidden, that would have been worse in the eyes of scared-potless UK authorities?

Back to drugs class with ABC

To add to the confused stance of the Brits on drugs, there was a long article in the London England Times about the latest 2 year commission on drug use in the British Isles. (I thought they were going to say that the Scottish Highlands are the place to be - with a name like that, could it be anything other than non-stop happy times.) However, more seriously, they concluded that the ABC classifications of drugs - the worst for society being A, cannabis being C - are way off base, especially as they don't include alcohol and tobacco any where.

To drink and smoke is morally OK?

It shouldn't have taken 2 years to work out what Blair dismissed a few years ago, but it did keep a few rich alcoholics off the streets. So, as you were, law makers. Keep everything above board and legal - drink and smoke yourselves to death. Meanwhile the streets burn as less well adjusted drunken rowdies have a laugh after 11. And keep up the good work, banging up peaceful and dopey harmless students and chronic sufferers of MS. Rule Britannia!

Now where is that D-grade Peace pipe? And doesn't the mind boggle at the idea of farms in London, 400 of them have been busted so far. And there was I thinking all along that this was a city full of sidewalks and tarmac-ed roads, not acres of cannabis plantations.

The BBC are pretty good at nature films. Their wildlife unit based in Bristol has produced loads of classic footage using incredible camera work: birds in flight carrying cameras strapped to their legs; lions mating with lenses stuck to their nuts, and gazelles feasting on grass that is actually a mini camera designed to trace the path of the foodstuff as it travels through the gazelles' stomachs and out their agile asses.

The latest development on a BBC wildlife theme is a wolf hunt filmed from a helicopter 2 miles above ground. Owooooooooooo. Clever stuff innit!

Although I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, the Popwatch posts seemed quite interesting.

Pop Idolatory

There is an open invite to comment on pop idol contestants or judges. Don't bet on seeing the following observation printed in their column.

Simon Cowell, tellytubby pop impresario is a no-shit-shoots-from-the-hip judge with a proven record for spotting marketable tack. If only the person who dressed him could drop his belt line by 6 inches. Perhaps then the paparazzi would stop trying to highlight Cowell's own misguided efforts to hide his tubby belly from telly viewers.

Shia laBeouf?

I had heard of Shiites, shitty Simon Le Bon, and mad cows, but the whole sorry mess appears to have been rolled into the name of one up-and-coming Gallic film star, Shia la Beouf. Look out for him in Indy jones part quatre.

Antonella Barba, a bombing out bombshell?

Something big is happening on Pop Idol, so cue the fanfares. Could it be that superbitch Barba is going to admit the truth - that she can't sing half as well as she can generate publicity for herself?

Barba's friend butchered on the radio

One of hundreds of US radio stations was ripping into Barba, the week's most googled search query. The mouthy host interviewed a friend of the Pop Idol glamour puss.

According to this friend, Antonella was a popular hard-working gal at college. Her soft porn episode was a mistake and she is a great singer! The interviewee lost all credibility with that last statement and spent the rest of her program slot on the defensive.

It was a missed opportunity for the girlie, because the interviewer was definitely no Howard Stern. Sadly, she had no quick answers to pedestrian and tired questions and came across as a ditzy airhead, proving the radio host's poorly made point.
Next!

Rock god and AIDS charity champion, Bono, was recently criticised for spending 100 million bucks in an AIDS campaign that has only raised $18m. Despite this iniquity, he has been sequestered to the Pistakers writing team to raise their profile in the blog world. When interviewed recently, Mr Bono said,

I have answered Ed's call for additional marketing expertise. For every 100 words they write in reviews about other sites, The Pisstakers estimate that the featured sites reply with just 18 words about the Pisstakers. In light of this disproportionate return on investment, they need a leg up."

In a state of shock, Ed the Editor commented

We can't wait to publish the insightful, motivational words of Bono, a legend in his own lunchtime," "The Boy has a way with words, and clearly knows how to make a difference in matters of life and death.

Bombarded with camera flashes and furry microphones, Bono whispered in a soft Irish brogue,

We are delighted to be involved with The Pisstakers who are representative of many classy blogs verging on the point of indifference in the public's eyes. We aim to raise their profile and topple The Onion with a series of humorous blog reviews, tech satire and funny angles on serious world news.

Strumming on an air guitar, he continued,

Rock 'n roll and gangsta rap may be dying, but The Pisstakers will prevail and be forever sanctified as a worthy cause. Our suggested motto for fans of the Pisstakers is, I, Bono, will follow Ed, and so should you.

Bono is now taking time out of his world tour of Saatchi and Saatchi offices to prepare his opening 100-word post on the Pisstakers.

If you thought that Hollywood stars get drunk, bladdered, wasted, smashed, blitzed and bombed on a regular basis, and in public too, you may have to modify your belief structures. We paid into the clichés too, but after reading the newspapers and entertainment sites, where they never make things up, perhaps the theory should be more refined.

DrunkHollywood

This is drunkdans blog. The home of the drunkest people in hollywood. YOu will find your favorite celebrity caught acting like a foo

Well, after ploughing through page after page of pictures, in DrunkHollywood, there was no evidence of a particularly drunken star. Maybe we have to modify the clichéd claims and say that drunken debauched Hollywood stars limit their alcoholic abuse to when they are behind closed doors? Or does Drunk Dan need to remember his camera when he goes hunting for evidence in Beverly Hills clubs?

Befuddle

It looked more promising on the homepage of Befuddle. Plenty of drunken smiley, shouty, gaudy and flesh-flashing Hollywood stars on show. But just as we thought we had struck gold and proved our theory, out popped the disclaimer

DISCLAIMER: Celebrities pictured on these pages may not necessarily be drunk as stated. They may well be just befuddled; pictured with an alcoholic drink; exposing too much flesh; attending another free celeb party or simply just playing for the cameras to get in the national tabloids.

We had to modify the cliché yet again, because Befuddle was showing pictures that prove that the definition of drunken debauchery in Hollywood is simply: actors are often caught acting drunk in public. That is scandalous.

Actors act sick to not appear drunk

The clichéd theory about wild drinking Hollywood actors was completely smashed by Bay Watch legend, David Hasselhof. He was so desparate not to appear like a typical drunken Hollywood star that he feigned illness before getting on a plane. Unfortunately the eagle eyed agents in London saw through his acting and refused the pissed up actor permission to board.

The same fiasco occurred with Paula Abdul who was drunk on Stars in Your eyes, or whatever that trash pop idol show is called. Except she used sleep deprivation as her feeble excuse for a motor dysfunction syndrome that looked remarkably like slurring due to excess booze.

The final, definitive theory on Hollywood drunks?

Every Hollywood star has probably been photographed drunk as a skunk in public, but they can't fool all of the public all of the time. At some time, the shameless ones are in fact sober playactors, and the scheming ones are the drunks in denial, covering their issues with stories of ill-health.

In fairness, the genuine stars just admit to being pissed out their skulls, and throw up, fight and swear in public, behind closed doors, or wherever the fancy takes them. See, Hollywood drunks are just like like the rest of us. Well, like the rest of you, I'm tee-total.

The fiasco that is the burial of Anna Nichol Smith has taken a turn for the even more bizarre. According to the blow-by-blow coverage from TMOZ, Anna's battling momma, Virgie Arthur, has got the full weight of the Bahama legislative process behind her on this one.

To be more accurate, while smirky Stern awaits at the church thinking his wishes will come true, the hearse is parked up, courtesy of the courts, and the driver is awaiting further instructions. Those instructions will be forthcoming when the judge has finished off his breakfast and had his hair done in preparation for his next public appearance. Whether the legal process will bring an end to another exciting episode in the dead blonde's existence on earth, still nobody knows, but at least the judge has eaten well and the hearse driver is on for a big tip.

For what it is worth, maybe just cut the crap and bury Anna Nichol Smith in limbo. That way, nobody wins or loses and the world's press can focus on something more weighty than even Anna in her balloon state days.

They say that airheads' lights are on but no one's home. In Paris Hilton's case, she never even had her headlights on when driving last night. On probation for unashamed self promotion, she couldn't quite get it together to flip a light switch in her junker car. Must have thought her catty like vision was enough.

Unfortunately, Paris was caught in the dark by the polic, and the womanwho, apparently, has seen the ceilings of more bedrooms than are even owned by her name sake Hilton chain, faces jail time and the prospect of yet another ceiling to stare at. Oh dear, not another Prison Warden story and another few grand for paparrazi duty?