blackstone
Paris Hilton finds god
04/07/07 Filed in: Entertainment | Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton found god in prison and he responds in kind by making her a real-life multi-billionairess heiress at 32% above current value. How's about that for vindication of a higher being?
When Paris Hilton was fretting over make-up and making up with her maker, the wheels of high finance were turning and under advisement from god's bankers, The Blackstone Group were preparing to come down from the mountain and make the Hilton empire an offer it couldn't refuse. $26 bn packed quite a punch at many levels.
For a start, the insider news about this massive and generous offer clearly made a huge impact on the Hilton clan. Such an impact in fact that 3 bottles of pink champagne prevented Paris' mother from getting out the car to greet her daughter on release from jail.
And this payout coincided precisely with the famous religious experience that the demonised socialite, Paris, underwent in jail. As will be revealed later, she is a changed woman now, so there must be a god - and Paris is into him up to her neck now. So how did this happen?
When asked how she found god, Ms Hilton was frank.
"It wasn't easy, you know. First I had this calling, like a tap on the walls of my cell, and it was a sort of Morse code. At first I thought it was an SOS for help from my neighbor, but then I had this revelation that god was telling me to Save One Shoe. So I did, I put one of my high heeled Saatchi numbers to one side and held on to the other, waiting for another divine message.
She continued, her flickering eye welling up with emotion.
Unfortunately I was waiting for two days, before I had the final calling. It had nothing to do with the spare shoe, but it was totally wow.
A hunky prison warden was comforting me and we forgot ourselves and I was coated in this golden light and he, (I think it was a he, judging by the moustache) was shouting "God, I want you to do wonderful things to me." And God did his bidding through me and the next thing, I felt such a release of tension and ecstasy and then, like an hour later, I was free to leave prison too. This god dude works in mysterious ways and I am going to repay him by saving the world."
Certainly with all these extra billions from the recent buy-out, Paris Hilton has a chance to make a difference. In her enlightened state she promised that she would perform a twist on an idea from a former Vice president, and help the poor unliterate people in Latin America learn Latin.
But even Paris realises that there is more to the world than the Americas, so she also has a minor humanitarian project in mind for little American kids in Africa.
"I can adopt a few thousand, ship 'em over in a luxury container ship and house them in a new theme park . And like have Michael Jackson sing them to sleep every afternoon; and let them eat chocolate and surgically add fat on their cute skinny bones and check them out for diabetes and ADD and SAD and offer them all the drugs that kids in Africa don't have but we take for granted in America."
When it was pointed out that kids in Africa didn't consume Ritlin or insulin, and had plenty of sun, she acknowledged that she had a lot to learn, but god would help her move forward.
We hope so, Paris, god help you and all those you come into contact with. And surely he will work in ways that are so mysterious it will have us all scratching our heads in wonder.
We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase Cadillac CTS ad or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!
A financial takeover of biblical proportions
When Paris Hilton was fretting over make-up and making up with her maker, the wheels of high finance were turning and under advisement from god's bankers, The Blackstone Group were preparing to come down from the mountain and make the Hilton empire an offer it couldn't refuse. $26 bn packed quite a punch at many levels.
Mrs Hilton legless
For a start, the insider news about this massive and generous offer clearly made a huge impact on the Hilton clan. Such an impact in fact that 3 bottles of pink champagne prevented Paris' mother from getting out the car to greet her daughter on release from jail.
Ms Hilton no longer soulless
And this payout coincided precisely with the famous religious experience that the demonised socialite, Paris, underwent in jail. As will be revealed later, she is a changed woman now, so there must be a god - and Paris is into him up to her neck now. So how did this happen?
God baits Hilton from within jail
When asked how she found god, Ms Hilton was frank.
"It wasn't easy, you know. First I had this calling, like a tap on the walls of my cell, and it was a sort of Morse code. At first I thought it was an SOS for help from my neighbor, but then I had this revelation that god was telling me to Save One Shoe. So I did, I put one of my high heeled Saatchi numbers to one side and held on to the other, waiting for another divine message.
She continued, her flickering eye welling up with emotion.
Unfortunately I was waiting for two days, before I had the final calling. It had nothing to do with the spare shoe, but it was totally wow.
A hunky prison warden was comforting me and we forgot ourselves and I was coated in this golden light and he, (I think it was a he, judging by the moustache) was shouting "God, I want you to do wonderful things to me." And God did his bidding through me and the next thing, I felt such a release of tension and ecstasy and then, like an hour later, I was free to leave prison too. This god dude works in mysterious ways and I am going to repay him by saving the world."
Hilton saves the world
Certainly with all these extra billions from the recent buy-out, Paris Hilton has a chance to make a difference. In her enlightened state she promised that she would perform a twist on an idea from a former Vice president, and help the poor unliterate people in Latin America learn Latin.
But even Paris realises that there is more to the world than the Americas, so she also has a minor humanitarian project in mind for little American kids in Africa.
"I can adopt a few thousand, ship 'em over in a luxury container ship and house them in a new theme park . And like have Michael Jackson sing them to sleep every afternoon; and let them eat chocolate and surgically add fat on their cute skinny bones and check them out for diabetes and ADD and SAD and offer them all the drugs that kids in Africa don't have but we take for granted in America."
When it was pointed out that kids in Africa didn't consume Ritlin or insulin, and had plenty of sun, she acknowledged that she had a lot to learn, but god would help her move forward.
We hope so, Paris, god help you and all those you come into contact with. And surely he will work in ways that are so mysterious it will have us all scratching our heads in wonder.
We've linked to several web search engines offering random payments & prizes! Click the icon & search the keyphrase Cadillac CTS ad or web search. It is a win-win, perhaps!
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